I can't tell if this is sincere or a send-up, because it's literally Apple's apologetic for everything. Always blame the customer.

"If your phone has bad reception, it's because you're holding it wrong. Why would you hold it like that?"

I don't own any Apple products and certainly wouldn't give my children any.

Especially if the children are young enough that you need to use parental controls.

My kid wanted an iPhone, I prefer Android. Why is that confusing?

Because kids might bully you over not having a blue bubble but adults might not.

Why wouldn't I? While I'm not surprised by Apple's shennenigans, I haven't foreseen this. I can spin up servers, manage smart home, check my car's fuel through browser, surely I should be able to set daily time limit on my kid's phone through browser too.

Kids can be awful. Parents who don't have the income to buy even one of the newest iThing will stretch themselves to buy one for their kid if they think it'll help them fit in.

Having tried both, the parental controls on the iPhone are much better.

The best out there and also still a buggy mess that hasn't been improved in almost ten years. Pretty sorry state of affairs if you ask me.

I've put in numerous bug reports on parental controls to Apple, I'm 0/9 on fixes.

Oh yeah, it's imperfect and much more a winner by default.

Because they'll break or lose them every six months, and you can replace them for $50.

These phones are sometimes (always?) preloaded with ton of shady apps. I definitely don't trust my kid to read EULA's and understand dangers of agreeing to random permission pop-ups. Even if I pre-screen all apps before giving the device to my kid, each system update may install new apps and children will definitely not wait for daddy to come from work to review them.

Price, probably. Children are often quick to break fragile things like modern phones. But honestly, in my experience every parent I know buys their kids the same phone they use in terms of the OS.