No one reputable cares about cash anymore. The people clinging to paper money are analog conspiracy nutters, the kind of people who hoard pennies in mason jars and refuse convenient contactless payments. I'm pleased to see them awkwardly counting out wrinkled bills while the rest of us tap and go at the spaces I inhabit.

Just tell them you moved, that's why you're canceling, and you live nowhere near any of their other branches therefore it would be physically impossible for you to come in.

This works for me, and I have no qualms lying to circumvent stupid tactics like these. I have turned into a LIAR when speaking to customer service for stuff like this because it just makes me more sympathetic as a customer, even though it's insane and unfair that one has to do this as a sort of social hack instead of the business just doing the right thing.