Cool to see more dancers on HN! I'm gettin into it more myself, I was wondering if you could share the software you used in some of your shorts to practice dance?
I felt sad for her father's death but then didn't make it through the great length with which she talked about a cat that you knew was going to be dead anyways.
I tried weed once a few years ago and took a bit too much as well. When the euphoria hit, I realized I had never felt that good in my entire life and I became scared of the idea that I would lose control. My thoughts also sped up and I would get into these metacognitive/self-analytical loops. I'd start thinking about something and before I could finish I'd have another thought analyzing what I had just thought, and so on. And I experienced the loss of filter. At the time, I was with a friend in his basement and we were surrounded by his mom's amateur paintings. I've never been an art person but I remember looking at one of her paintings and talking nonstop about all the different visual details that kept popping out at me.
I didn't have as complete as loss of inhibition as you described however. The friend I was with wasn't someone I completely trusted - many of my thoughts I decided not to share. Still, I think the experience was valuable and I'm glad I tried it. Although, in retrospect any self-insight I gained I don't think I truly took to heart, as it didn't lead to any meaningful behavioral change. It's only been two days, but I wonder what kind of long term changes you will see. Has the loss of filter persisted in any way or did it wear off when you came down?
Either way, your story, outside of being well written and incredibly personable, gives me hope for my own healing. I'd love to connect and hear more about where your experience takes you, especially if you end up trying cannabis assisted therapy. I'm planning on trying psychedelic assisted therapy at some point so it would be cool to have someone to discuss with. My email is in my profile if you're interested.
Also, not a plug, but I've used Roam Research (https://roamresearch.com/) before and it would be cool if there was some way to integrate how both you guys do linking. The difference being documents are linked together by basically a web hyperlink, whereas in kinopio the links can only happen at the card level, but the UI is much better.
But essentially if you are using their “pro” service, which charges commissions then no. If you are using their “lite” service with zero-commission then maybe.
Not the OP, but I'm in therapy personally, and just as a personal example, didn't realize that some current reactions and feelings were colored by past experiences. In particular, this has to do with patterns I hadn't noticed across different relationships and work. Like my pathological independence and general lack of trust in humanity.
Often the "answers" to why one is depressed can be hidden under many layers. It can be from a psychological source, a physiological/neurological source (an injury, etc), or a physiological source BROUGHT ON BY a psychological source, that may or may not continue to exist.
The last part is in my experience the thing people are missing that creates a lot of arguments, especially around medication. I have gone through lots of trauma growing up, and I only recently learned of the role of the interplay between the physical and the mental. I had always eschewed medication - and I still think it to be /mostly/ a first-aid treatment. There's nothing to say that someone has a long-term physiological imbalance, or one that we don't know how to treat. Therefore its valid if someone needs to be on a medication for the long term. The saying goes amongst people I know - "If you can't make your own neurochemicals, store bought is fine.".
For me, medication allowed the relative calm in order to directly tackle and address childhood trauma and patterns of thinking that ultimately result in acute depression and anxiety. Unawareness of those triggers or ways to deal with them leads that acute depression/anxiety to become chronic over time, where no trigger is necessary.
CBT (cognative behavioral therapy) is a very good way to identify patterns of thoughts or thinking that doesn't make sense, or create a reaction that is far outside of the range that a person would expect. You end up having this moments of unclear thoughts when digging into past events, or things that upset you, or thoughts about yourself. I have learned to relish those - that means I'm learning something or making a connection that I didn't have before.
Finally, approaching entirely from the psychological side does not always give results. Having gone through lots and lots of cognative behavioral therapy, I'm fully aware when I'm being irrational or have a stronger than expected emotional reaction to things. I even apologize while I'm doing it! But it wasn't until I dug into a different type of therapy, EMDR, that started to approach from the physical side of things. I started to learn to notice things that were making my hands ball up in anger, even though I didn't notice them before. I learned that I dissociate sometimes and don't form memories of when I'm upset, which severely hampers my ability to address the things. All of this to say, its complex. It all has underlying rational reasons behind it, and seeking out information and building your own mental model of, well, your mental model, is a very helpful way to go about it, though it takes a long time.
So try medication, try therapy, try different types of therapy. Its extremely difficult. Its sort of like performing surgery on yourself. But there is always another path and more things to learn about yourself.
I wonder how strong the long-term inverse effect is having gone to a magnet high school and seeing a certain level of self esteem fallout for many people that I would say were hard working but nowhere close to "profoundly gifted".
