This reminded me of a couple of very bad times in my life where I was caught in that awful loop of being unable to meet all the demands on my life and feeling that it would be impossible to not continue to try to go on anyway.
It's strange in retrospect how liberating divorce, unemployment, bankruptcy, and foreclosure can be. Don't get me wrong: going through all that absolutely sucked, and I wouldn't want to do it again. There were a few times when I genuinely went hungry and had no place to stay.
But having survived it, I no longer feel any need to keep up appearances or have the latest gadget or have a lot of stuff at all. A lot of the pressure I used to feel is simply gone because I don't give a shit what other people think about my life any more. (Well, I care about what my wife (same one, we are back together) and daughter think, but that's it.)
I especially liked the references to ancient descriptions of the condition. It's nothing new.
This week my cat died. I held him in my hands as he passed away after 20 years of being a fuzzy friend. After the first tears passed I felt an overwhelming sense of relief at I wasn't sure how to process.
I've been working on something big, at least in my head, for over a year now. For the first six months my coworkers were skeptical at best and at worst, unsupportive and critical. But I pressed on because no one understood the vision, and no one would until I proved it possible. Then, after a tipping point, that mysterious market change where suddenly everything becomes clear, everyone went from critic to heaping hope, expectation, and almost desperation for the success of my project. A small scrappy idea went from nothing to 100m$ and success went from a few million users to demands for over 1 billion. And so with impossible expectations, I pressed on again. I began suffer constant tightness in my chest, visions of the void that kept me awake and wide eyed in terror, and anger. Deep down I knew this couldn't meet my or my peers expectations, at least not overnight.
After my cat died, it reminded me that all things end. And when something ends it's a chance to start something new. My panic and burnout was the realization I too would die, and this project is likely to be my biggest measurable contribution to humanity. I got on a plane and flew to nowhere in particular and just hung out for a few days. Then I came back and started to look for a new place to live.
Being frozen in the same position for a long time, working towards the same goal is self destructive. Its seems to be a crippling side effect of the obsessions Silicon Valley is so eager to promote. It's takes variety and purposeful breaks sometimes to complete anything big. I don't have renewed energy yet, but I think I will soon... if I just let myself explore. Eventually whatever I build will be a representation of that hopeful exploration, and that spirit is the most important part.
So many comments like this usually end in sorrow. It's somewhat reassuring and human to hear that you're back together with your wife and helping raise your daughter again.
It sounds like going through those things led to a better overall ending than trying to forge ahead in the first place. It's great to hear you pulled through.
I haven't been in your shoes exactly, but I've blown it big-time in some very high pressure scenarios (military). I can attest to the liberation I felt at no longer caring to uphold the expectations of others, though the consequences were quite painful.
I'm glad that you and your family are back together.
It's strange in retrospect how liberating divorce, unemployment, bankruptcy, and foreclosure can be. Don't get me wrong: going through all that absolutely sucked, and I wouldn't want to do it again. There were a few times when I genuinely went hungry and had no place to stay.
But having survived it, I no longer feel any need to keep up appearances or have the latest gadget or have a lot of stuff at all. A lot of the pressure I used to feel is simply gone because I don't give a shit what other people think about my life any more. (Well, I care about what my wife (same one, we are back together) and daughter think, but that's it.)
I especially liked the references to ancient descriptions of the condition. It's nothing new.