I was barely 19 when my oldest daughter was born. While her mom and I were never married, I made a decision early on that I was always going to be part of her life and try and provide for her. That meant I had to stop playing baseball. It meant I had to work full-time and only go to college part-time. When her mom moved to the mid-west, I had to spend every extra dollar flying to visit her or flying her back to CA to visit me.
She's almost 16 now and I couldn't be more proud of her. She's smart and we have a great relationship. My company has done well enough that I can fly to her or she can fly to me any time. My wife and her have a great relationship (they are almost like sisters) and my younger daughters adore her.
Even though we never lived together all the time, I feel we have a better relationship than many fathers/daughters do. I couldn't imagine what it would be like if I hadn't made the effort.
I had just turned 19 (2 months) before my son was born. Never married, but made the choice to stick around and make sure I was there every other weekend (and more, if allowed). I didn't have the "normal" college life, because I was gone every other weekend.
I've stayed in the midwest because of my son, rather than moving out to CA or NYC. For the first 6 years of his life, I never missed a weekend visit. For 3 of the 8 years he's been around, I drove 6 hours roundtrip every other weekend. The rest of the time it's just been a 4 hour roundtrip.
And, I've yet to regret it. I've been shown more opportunity than I could have ever dreamed of. No idea if that's karma, but it wouldn't matter anyway because the time with him is time well spent.
Congratulations. Although the items here on HN tend to end up on the work side, of the work/life balance equation, its nice to see an article like this and a comment like yours to help remind me and everyone here that there is a great deal of importance and focus required on the life side of things.
Today I was fortunate to have my Dad meditating right beside me for awhile. For the first time in 37+ years (i.e. exactly how old I am) I felt his presence and realized that it had always been there. Every second of every day of my life, my Dad has been present. He definitely fits the type A anxiety driven archetype, and he always struggled with working and really being with his family. His presence almost always manifested itself as a highly interested attention, which I let grate on me many atime -- especially during my teenage years. In fact I don't know if I've ever really acknowledged it as a presence rather than something else, usually unwelcome. But now I realize that in many ways its what made me who I am today. Be present indeed.
Very nice post by Fred once again. I knew all too many people who grew up with their fathers being away on some job in the name of "providing for the family". It's heartening to see that the internet has enabled far more people to both work and yet be present with family.
I'd just like to say, posts like this one are why I love reading Fred's blog...somehow he uses his blog to be my mentor...in life and in business...didn't think a blogger would ever do that for me and it's not something I feel about anyone else I read.
Your co-founder might want out and take almost all the equity. Even so you still must keep helping with funding.
Even if everything goes well with your co-founder, you put a lot of money into it but your shares gradually and inevitably unvest, till 18 years later you've got 0% equity.
Even so you might be expected to shell out a couple of rounds of funding ("we're getting traction and in 4 years we'll be getting revenue").
Then, although you aren't liable for your "startup"'s actions anymore, your reputation is forever linked to it.
I love my kids... but I've never had the rosy "they make my life complete" vibe that a lot of other people talk about.
Maybe there's something wrong with me?
Kids are a tremendous time and money sink. Nightly storytime, getting down on the floor to play with them, encouraging them as they experiment with art/music/dancing/etc, taking them to the playground/pool/skating/etc every weekend... those hours used to be for programming, learning, video games, dating, movies, friends, "alone time", and everything else I gave up on or cut WAY back on in order to make space in my life for my kids.
Looking back on my life, I think I would do it again... so I guess there's some benefit to it all. But damn if I can see it or articulate it.
Right now you're in the trenches. Once your youngest is out of diapers you start climbing out of the trenches and your life gets some more balance. But all this bonding time you're putting in now will pay off.
My grandmother's catchphrase to all of her children and grandchildren when they're struggling with their little ones is "You're enjoying this. You really are. You just won't realise it for another 20 years".
And generally not more than one. Chances for being acquired aren't that good either. And you probably shouldn't focus too much on an early exit strategy...
I recently read a similar (exact same?) quote in the book "The Name of The Wind" by Patrick Rothfuss. Almost certainly not the genesis of this quote but it's the only instance I know of.
--you have about ten to twelve years to connect with your kids and then they turn into teenagers tune you out then turn into adults and build their own lives--
then why connect with your kids at all -whether or not you connect with them they will --turn into teenagers-- what a scary way of saying it - like a beautiful butterfly turning into a monster - tune you out and then turn into adults --and you turning into a pathetic old man -in their eyes- i think it is better to listen to Paul Graham http://www.paulgraham.com/lies.html and tell them to skip school and immediately start their own company at the earliest age possible before they are indoctrinated by education to become professional consumers - make mistakes early and often - and forget about this soupy-kitschy-romantic stuff about -connecting- with kritters that -turn into teenagers- who squeeze you for cash to pierce metal studs in their belly buttons-
You've been down voted here, but your post touches on some truth. As a parent your prime responsibility is not to "connect with" your kids and be their best friend. It is instead to be a provider, teacher, and role model. This often means doing things that your kids do not like. They may even say "I hate you" or something similar. Kids do not appreciate their parents until they are well into adulthood; I would venture to say that unless and until you have kids yourself you cannot truly appreciate your parents. And what you appreciate is not the milk and cookies and bedtime stories but the actual never ending nonstop no-breaks responsibility that is parenthood.
1. There is a range between being a cold, distant disciplinarian and trying to be your child's 'BFF.'
2. Connecting with your kids means forming a relationship with them, it does not define what that relationship is supposed to be.
3. Those first 10-12 years are the more formative years of your child's life. Those are the years where just being present in your child's life can make the greatest impact (vs not being present in your child's life).
>> "They may even say "I hate you" or something similar. "
My son (4) regularly says he's going to go and buy a new daddy. Yesterday I wouldn't let him do something so he took my fathers day card away that he made me! Made me laugh :)
Did I miss the essay where PG advises all kids to skip school and do a startup instead? If so, I'd be pretty disappointed because that's terrible advice for the vast majority of teenagers.
I believe pg was referring to college, and grad school not high school. Few people can argue that dropping out of PhD school to start a start-up was a bad move for Larry Page & Sergey Brin.
Yea... for Larry, Sergey and Bill Gates it turned out really well. For the rest? Must not have turned out well since we haven't even heard of them.
Further, in all the examples I can think of they dropped out because they already had a company going or at least had a really strong idea for a company. That's pretty different than dropping out hoping you'll come up with something.
Ok, I should have said "must not have turned out as well". But would they have done better if they would have stuck with their PhD?
My point is just, if you're going to drop out of (any) school you better make sure you have a really good plan because it's a big deal. You're leaving some real advantages on the table so you better be able to justify it.
Did you read it? I get pretty much the exact opposite of "school is stupid, everyone should drop out and start companies!"
When we first started Y Combinator we encouraged people to start startups while they were still in college. That's partly because Y Combinator began as a kind of summer program. We've kept the program shape—all of us having dinner together once a week turns out to be a good idea—but we've decided now that the party line should be to tell people to wait till they graduate.
She's almost 16 now and I couldn't be more proud of her. She's smart and we have a great relationship. My company has done well enough that I can fly to her or she can fly to me any time. My wife and her have a great relationship (they are almost like sisters) and my younger daughters adore her.
Even though we never lived together all the time, I feel we have a better relationship than many fathers/daughters do. I couldn't imagine what it would be like if I hadn't made the effort.
Good post.