I’m in my late 40s. Just gone through 15 years of absolute shit with an ex partner and financial chaos.
Decided I’d fix it in 2019. Three important things to concentrate on:
1. Health. If that’s off, fix it first. Everything depends on health. Sort out your diet, physical fitness and health and mental health follows. I’m fitter than all my peers and both fitter and healthier than I was in my 20s. Can run a half marathon now.
2. Social contacts. Get out there and make friends. In my case i signed up to Meetup and just attended random stuff until people stuck. This usually involves hiking, pubs and bars, restaurant nights out.
3. Invest in experiences. Go travelling, do new things and learn new stuff completely away from your usual area of expertise and comfort. So I’m usually desk bound in the middle of the city but a few weeks back I’m standing on a mountain in the middle of nowhere in the middle of the night in the middle of winter doing celestial navigation course. It was amazing.
All positive, fulfilling experiences in life I have found require putting yourself in unusual and uncomfortable positions. Life where there is no normal but it’s not bad abnormal is where the fun is. Doing those things together with other people is where you make meaningful lasting friends and relationships too.
Agree on health. It’s important to bear in mind that health can suddenly go bad, which in turn means that you should make the most of the present rather than thinking “I can postpone doing X,Y,Z” until I’m older.
My father died when he was 59 and had lifestyle-limiting illnesses for the last decade of his life. Bearing this in mind, I went down to a three-day working week aged 56 and then fully retired two years later. I’ve looked after my health but six months ago had an unpredicted episode of Ventricular Fibrillation for genetic rather than lifestyle reasons. I was fitted with an ICD and quickly got back to my physical health but under UK law had to surrender my driving license and I’m now stuck waiting for my application for a new one to work through our bureaucracy.
On balance I wish I’d fully retired slightly earlier.
Coming back to other points that are made here, I found in my last few years at work that the technology was ‘same-old same-old’ and that I found working with talented youngsters (sometimes as a formal mentor) the most rewarding part of my job. Perhaps I was just lucky, but I helped four younger people to go past me on the corporate ladder, and in turn they all looked out for me later on. I was also able to work in an environment where I was viewed as a principal customer-facing techie, rather than having to remain totally corporate. This in fact reduced my career-development options (as I was out on site with the customers rather than being highly visible to my bosses) but I viewed this as a positive.
+1 on health. I'm way older than both of you. Clean living and regular, vigorous, exercise has been the #1 key to loving yourself, confidence and mental health. Pays huge dividends later in life. As for relationships. As the old saying goes "If you are looking for a trout, don't fish in a herring barrel". Do what you want to do, travel where you want to go, join and participate in hobbies that you like. Group activities will be best (hiking, exercise, walking, tours, photography), You will meet your peers. good luck
Plus one in health and physical fitness. Buying a bicycle and using it daily was probably the best investment I ever made in myself. Also, I can't believe that I smoked those filthy cigarretes for so long, but how good is that I stopped this habit.
About material realizations please remind that the average successful enterpreneur age is about 45. I only started being able to save serious, retirement-style money when I've got 40.
There should be a shorthand phrase for "I agree with all parent nodes of this". Like a pseudo OOP-type syntax.
Buying a bike and riding it regularly was my single best investment in terms of physical and mental health. A close second would be resistance training equipment, but this depends on what kind of resistance training you decide to do.
I'd also say that part of the OP's issues stem from an expectation that one should always be passionate or excited about their work. Especially in tech, there's this weird idea that every job someone holds is something that resonates with them personally.
I think this expectation is strange and unreasonable. I think it's perfectly ok to view your job as "just a job". But if you truly want to pursue a job that resonates with you, you have a significant financial buffer to facilitate a career-change. As someone who didn't shift into programming until their mid-30s, I think mid-30s career changes are perfectly fine, and almost expected in a turbulent economy.
Vote-like comments such as "+1," "Disagree," and "This." take up vertical space and reading time. Yet they convey hardly any more meaning than a vote. Let the ranking and shading of comments reflect your opinion.
I disagree that this is bad form, but it’s a little shallow unless you’re contributing something along with your “I agree.” I also strongly disagree that downvotes should be used for disagreement. Downvotes are for discouraging low-value posts, not making things you disagree with disappear from the discussion.
I share your attitude toward voting. I confess it puts me on edge to vote for a constructive comment that I strongly disagree with.
That said, the HN guidelines actually don't specify the proper use of votes (unlike Reddit, whose stated voting philosophy is similar to yours). So my earlier comment doesn't go there. I can't say what HN voting is for, but I can say that vote-like comments are usually better expressed as votes.
Smoking is also terrible for your social life, unless you only prefer the company of smokers. Most of my childhood friends became weed/cigarette addicts. For my own well-being, I had to stop being in contact with them.
This was not my experience when I used to smoke. Stepping out for a cigarette was the easiest way to strike up a chat with a complete stranger. The best conversations I've ever had were probably done while smoking, with other smokers.
People who have never smoked just won't get it. There is no ice breaker in the world like a cigarette. My social life became harder once I quit, but my body thanks me for it.
As a non smoker, I still used to love chilling outside chatting to smokers. It would be quiet, relaxed, and everyone was open to the idea of just chatting whilst enjoying their cigarette.
The idea of standing still for 5 minutes and talking to whoever happens to be around seems farfetched outside of that social norm
Depend on what you do. I haven’t met anyone who actually smokes in the last year in the UK apart from a guy who was vaping in the middle of a hike and we all thought he was a dickhead.
Probably less popular than average across the UK but a good friend of mine will quite happily blast down a 22oz steak. Most of us are health and fitness conscious and that seems to intersect with vegetarian and vegan diets.
At the risk of sounding like an ass: It doesn't matter, just get one that's the right size.
I understand why you ask, I'm very much the same way (unless you're asking just because you're curious). Some times I decide that it's time to make a change, and I start to look for thing I can buy to facilitate the process, exercise equipment, kitchen aids, clothing, essentially attempting to buy into a lifestyle. The thing that made me notice was when I started getting into minimalism, and I started to look for "minimalist things" I could buy... That sort of highlighted the absurdity of the idea.
Bear in mind there's still a bike shortage right now. Something that fits your body and is comfortable is the most important thing. I'm 58 and an avid cyclist, but realized that my body just doesn't like road style bikes, so I actually dismantled my fancy Trek road bike and built something that was more comfortable to ride.
For me, making it easy to "just get out and ride" is the key thing. Even if it means less exciting rides. I don't have to get into special clothing or put my bike in a car and take it somewhere.
I also enjoy the outdoors in general. I treat it as a way to get away from technology for a while, so I'm into simple things like hiking, walking, cross country skiing, etc.
Buy a used road bike off Craigslist. Look for brands like Trek, Cannondale, Specialized. Even their vintage models (80s and 90s) still ride very smooth and can be around $150-250. This way, if your bike gets stolen or you simply don't ride enough, you're not too much out of pocket.
This. I have a Dawes ultra galaxy about a decade old. It has an unhealthy amount of duct tape around it which seems to put people off. I saw someone think about stealing it and choose something less cranky looking.
A simple one from Oggi, nothing too fancy. disk breaks, 29" wheels, front suspension. but it doesn't matter. The single most important thing is having an adequate bike seat for your anatomy and an aluminum frame which is not too heavy.
The expensive stuff gets important if you're a competitive person.
Yes. Get whatever bike fits you. And I love my Tern [1] foldable bicycle. It folds into a bag which I can take anywhere in my car or on the bus or train and bike when I get there.
Funny, I have been looking at Tern too (as well as Riese & Müller). Do you use it in the city as well? Which one do you have? How often do you really fold it up?
Alternatively, I've got a Brompton and I love the thing to bits. It folds in 30 seconds or less, small enough to put under a table at a coffee shop. They're incredibly well-built, and parts are easy to find. You can even get electric conversion kits.
I had a Brompton for about two years but did not like how it felt riding it to be honest. The rather weird six gear box thing and lack of disc brakes (especially in rain and winter) was also not that amazing
Buy a bike with matching frame for your height, with good double suspension, e.g. with front and rear RockShox or better, and raise the handlebar to a comfortable height. Your back will thank you.
Install all safety systems: front and rear bike lights, mirror, reflectors, use helmet, reflectors, wear reflective jacket, etc. You must be visible at the road at all times. (I use no helmet, because I'm trained to fall properly, but I recommend to wear helmet until you fall at least 10 times.)
Ensure that your legs are working for the full length, by raising the seat as much as you can, to avoid problems with joints. I'm raising my seat so much, that it feels like running, because I press pedal with toe instead of whole foot. Otherwise, you will have powerful legs, but weak foots, so you can break your heel just by running. (I did).
If you ride in winter conditions, lower the bike seat until you can reach the ground with the tips of your shoes instead, so you can reach the ground quickly when the road is slippery.
Bike will make your legs strong and healthy, but your upper body will require additional training. AFAIK, the best way to keep the whole body in good condition is to combine biking with swimming or sport dancing. (I use biking + ballroom dancing). Ballroom dancing also improves situation awareness a lot: I never had a collision with somebody else after few years of ballroom dancing.
Ensure that your legs are working for the full length, by raising the seat as much as you can, to avoid problems with joints
Raising your seat isn't the first step: first make sure that you're pushing the pedals with the balls of your feet, not close to the heel. I used to get terrible knee pain during prolonged bike rides as a kid, and nobody could tell me why.
It took me many years before I finally figured out what I was doing wrong: if your feet are too far forward on the pedals, you effectively lock your ankles in place, and all propulsion must come from your upper legs through your knees. If you can bend your ankles, you have two joints and three sets of muscles to share the load. This gives you better range of motion and less muscle strain for the same amount of propelling power.
If you ride in winter conditions, lower the bike seat until you can reach the ground with the tips of your shoes instead
What does trained to fall properly mean? Are you absolutely sure there is such a thing? I doubt that there is, because the human neck is not strong enough to withstand many kinds of flat falls (just watch FailArmy for a while), and assuming you can prevent a flat fall during an accident is a bad assumption. Assuming you can avoid a head-first fall is a bad assumption, and assuming you’re not going to be struck by a car is a bad assumption.
Have been biking many decades, fallen more times than I can count, and am as trained to fall properly as one gets, I think. I’ve had two falls in the last decade that would have put me in the hospital without a helmet, and one that may have killed me - head collided with a rock at high speed, but I had a good helmet and walked away. My belief is the opposite - that my need for a helmet has only grown the more skill I have. As I’ve gained expertise, I ride faster on average, I’m in traffic more, picking more difficult routes, riding in a wider variety of weather and conditions. All reasons to
Falling safely is a motor skill. The way you "learn" it is by doing it, repeatedly, until your body starts to react in the right way. This is a problem for an adult cyclist on a road traveling at speed. There are consequences to falling. Many of us, however, have had enough experience during our youth on "single-track" to have racked up many falls onto soft ground at low speeds. That certainly helps to a certain extent.
Unfortunately, physics sometimes can present challenges that no human can adapt to regardless of practice. If your bike comes to hard stop when traveling fast enough, your body is going to do an "endo" and your face will impact the street in a matter of milliseconds. This happens before you can put your hands in front of your face. It can happen faster than your body can respond to the stimuli telling it that an crash is happening.
> physics sometimes can present challenges that no human ca adapt to regardless of practice.
Exactly, yes. I have a lot of the motor skill you’re talking about (road cycling, mountain biking, dirt moto biking, skydiving, skiing, etc.). And the more I have, the more helmets seem like a good idea.
When I was in school, our trainer was ill, so he was replaced by a craft teacher, which was fresh from the army. He was a soviet paratrooper, so he told us that he knows nothing about training, but he sure that we will fall a lot during our life, so he will train us to fall properly. We did about a hundred of jumps and falls and rolls per lesson, up to 2 meter height, in military style for 2,5 months, up to 1000 falls in total.
When I'm falling, I'm rotating my body to fall flat on the back. I'm wearing a bicycle backpack with thick absorber and protective plate (Wolf Skin, Kite, etc.), so it absorbs energy and protects my back. Bad for backpack and notebook, but good for me.
FWIW, I had a whole skydiving career before I started biking seriously. Drop & roll is not really a viable head injury prevention plan. You’re prepped for a few kinds of accidents with a backpack and trying to roll if/when there’s time, if you’re really lucky, but you’re leaving a mile wide blind spot to many possible accidents that you don’t have control over. Good luck, I hope you don’t have any of those kind of collisions.
Obviously. I’m saying that your soviet paratrooper roll training isn’t going to save your head in a bike crash, I know because I’ve done a whole lot of both. Biking to work is the place where you’re most likely to be hit by a car, and thus not be able to roll and not be protected by a backpack.
Hey I’m not telling you what to do, only pointing out that assuming you have control over physics in an accident is a pretty bad assumption, and that telling new riders that a few falls prepares them for non-helmet riding is dangerous advice because it’s not true.
I don’t know where you live, but we all know the Netherlands is famous for having some of the best bike infrastructure in the world, and also for low helmet use. Still, the chances of TBI in an accident in the Netherlands is 2x higher without a helmet than with. https://www.liebertpub.com/doi/10.1089/neur.2020.0010
You do you, I’m just saying from my perspective, and from actual experience, the single best thing I can do to prevent a serious debilitating bike injury is wear a helmet. It’s by no stretch of the imagination the only thing I can do, and I like some of your other advice you gave. I just think if you care about slippery surfaces enough to lower your seat, or care about cars enough to wear a reflective vest, a helmet sure seems like a good idea.
I'm from Europe (Ukraine). Yes, I'm totally aware about risk of death in a road incident. After each incident, our bicyclist association does protest near to city administration, demanding more and safer bike lanes.
Our plan to fix it is to make the city safer for cyclist. We are heavily inspired by success of Netherlands: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Boi0XEm9-4E . Situation is improved in recent years. Currently, half of my path to work is safe, while the other half is not.
Helmet is a good idea (I recommend to wear helmet after all), but it has some downsides. We can discuss upsides and downsides of helmet a lot, but I recommend using my OKR instead, when you recommend biking to newbies: «use helmet until you will fall 10 times at least». It's simple, easy to understand, easy to remember, actionable, and leaves no room for doubt.
I see no breakdown of incident number by years of experience in your papers.
Newbies are like toddlers, so they will fall more often and will skew the statistic. Nobody says that walking is a dangerous activity, just because toddlers are falling multiple times per day.
Still, cycling is the safest mode of transportation per km, so, if you want to improve safety significantly, convince drivers and pedestrians to wear helmets first. Cyclist will follow.
I used to work with someone who was an avid cyclist, in his mid 50s, and insisted you didn't need a helmet when cycling because 'if you think about it, when you're falling, you will use your hands to stop yourself - so all you really need is a decent pair of gloves'.
He was totally serious, and I assume the previous poster might also be. It's a slightly bizarre viewpoint, but not that dissimilar - this idea that you should wear a helmet to start with, and then stop wearing it once you're confident that you no longer need it because you know how to fall without it.
> If you're only biking on the road I wouldn't get that, only slows you down.
They will make you feel like you are moving slower, but my bicycle computer shows that I move faster. Moreover, wheels follows ground more precisely, which reduces risk of losing contact with ground. I'm crossing road bumps at full speed, while sitting and continuing pedaling.
> Not sure if you're serious...
I'm serious for both recommending to wear helmet for first 10 falls at least (because newbie is like a toddler), and I'm serious that I don't need helmet (because I'm not a toddler anymore).
Bicycle is safer than walking per km traveled. Are you wearing a helmet when walking? It's dangerous!
I hear you, and acknowledge the strong opinions around Helen’ helmets while bicycling. I usually wear a helmet (I’m in the USA), and for slow trips on known routes sometimes I skip it. If I lived in the Netherlands (or anywhere with a robust bike-commute culture) I might never wear a helmet, because I’m not so fast anymore and I’d be doing known routes at moderate speed.
I lean towards wearing helmets, and support wearing them in cars (I don’t do that yet because of social stigma, though maybe I’ll work up the gumption now that I think about it).
Helmets, and other protective equipment, works, so it may help you to survive many kinds of incidents: road incident, train wreck, fall from sky, etc. There is no doubt.
However, cycling to work is the safest mean of transportation per km traveled.
Nobody will force me to do downhill on a bike without full gear on, because I can fall, puncture my artery, and then bleed out in 2 minutes. One of my earliest memories is: I'm laying on the ground on my back and watching as my bike flying over me, like in slo-mo.
However, I see no sense to wear a helmet when doing one of the safest routine on this planet. I had two road accidents (I hit another cyclist, I hit a safety pole with handlebar when a car in front of me suddenly closed the path for me) and a dozen near-misses while biking in about 40 years. I had much more near-misses in the city (dozens) when walking.
I can understand not wearing a helmet when biking, helmets can also only do so much. just don't fool yourself in thinking that your falling technique is going to save yourself in a traffic accident.
Running can be hard on the joints though. A mix of different exercize is best, if you can manage it. Both for health and to keep it interesting. I do running, cycling, swimming and kick boxing (less swimming during COVID).
There's really no evidence that running is hard on your joints, as long as you avoid serious injuries. If anything, studies have shown that those who run regularly have better mobility in old age.
I have seen that research too, and I believe it. However running is bad on joints for many people, including me.
I believe the difference that makes the difference is how good your joint alignment is before starting. If your alignment is bad the running can chronically damage the joints, if your alignment is good they will get only slightly damaged and regrow stronger, leading to the results shown in the studies. Survivorship bias means only people with good joint alignment will actually run enough to be included in a study.
This is excellent advice, I couldn't agree more with Health. Everything else will pretty much fall into place once you take care of it. It will be easier to meet people, you will not have mood swings, or lack confidence. Your mind will be sharper and can think better!
One thing that gets missed often is spiritual health. I believe it's as equally important as physical and mental health. I'm not advocating for extremist religious dogma but at a minimum, I think one should figure out their belief structure one way or another. I recommend to give this matter some thought, research various religions, philosophy and history and make your own conclusions.
On the subject of social contacts, the biggest thing to realize is that our world is shaped by our minds. This means that how your perceive yourself and other people will have a huge impact on your ability to connect with others.
If you constantly see strangers as a threat, or as judgmental people, or "label" yourself as antisocial/timid/unattractive, etc then other people will unconsciously pick up on it. Humans have mirror neurons and can read micro expressions, we are social mammals after all. As a side note, women are _really_ good at this, don't be fooled! you can't _fake_ it! The only way is to actually feel good inside and clear your heart and mind..
One way towards spiritual health is to find wonder in things beyond my control, and for me that is primarily looking at the moon and stars, augmented by walls in the woods and noticing phenology—-what animals are active when, noticing frost on the ground, posting attention to the wind direction by feel, things like this. I don’t ascribe any meaning to any of this, just immerse myself in the observation practice.
Agreed on the spirituality. I have felt similarly unhappy as the original poster & some others on the thread. Stuck in corporate unfulfilling tech job. 2 years ago, I was able to break free (happy to share if folks are curious to hear).
This advice has worked for me, it could work for you:
(1) Health: actively prioritize good sleep, learn to cook some mediterranean dishes (easy, tasty, exotic, healthy, good as leftovers). Make lots, and share with people. Cook the same dishes a bunch of times until its muscle memory, then try something new. If you are into weed - smoking a J, putting on fun music, turning the lights down & doing some cooking / meal prep - seriously, one of the most fun activities, and so helpful.
(2) Fitness: yoga (google "sun salutations" - 10 min & you're good), 1000% embrace #bikeLife (great exercise, dramatically helps unwind the mind, it's a hobby you can do for most of your life, lots of mechanical fiddling), and wear a helmet 100% of the time. Try a social racquet sport (squash when its cold, pickleball when warm). Squash is my #1 favorite, recommended sport. Easy to learn, low impact, tons of cardio (1000+ kcal burned / hr), tons of fun, great community, internationally played, & you can play it until you're old. Pay for 5 lessons. It's worth whatever money it costs.
(3) Spirituality. Check into Buddhism. It's a highly practical way to think about & live your life & purpose. I strongly suggest this book (its
a
quick read, uses
plain speech / low jargon, highly actionable throughout the day). It does a great job of explaining how happiness works (I want to say "mentally mechanically"), wanting/shoulding, being observant & intentional of emotion-thought-word-action chains. It's had a huge positive impact on my own sense of worth, relationships with people around me, the feeling of life purpose - good stuff. This is the book:
(4) Music. Learn to play an instrument. Check out piano. It's WAY easier than you think it is. You already know computer keyboard shortcuts & combos. Same thing works in piano. Youtube Search for "4 chord song axis of awesome". You can learn that exact song in an afternoon, and you have that skill - and ability to express- all those songs for life. When there is any decision in your life that involves a music option, lean into it.
Hang out with healthy & interesting old people - do what they do, ask their advice.
I asked my grandmother of 95 years - still healthy of mind - "What get's you up in the morning each day?". Without missing a beat, she said "Music." She plays piano, sings, dances (wiggles these days). It makes her soul alive, and brings joy to the people around her.
To put that Thought into Action, I bought a little MIDI keyboard, plugs into computer or ipad. Garageband makes it so easy. I can't believe I had that app on my Mac for 15+ years and never thought to seriously play around with it. Making fun hilarious synth songs are dead simple, and tons of fun - especially with a friend, partner, etc. I went from "there is no way I can play a musical instrument, I have to just accept this in my life & move on." to being able to sit down at a piano in any bar, and slam out some fun honky tonk / blues. In 3 months. Music can seriously be used as a mental health tool. When I am feeling down, I can now "procrastinate" on the piano for 15 min as a reward. I try to play the most ridiculous epic concert to myself (so many dumbass epic Spinal Tap style solos). After that, I can feel that the "cloudy soul" / clenched chest anxious feeling is replaced with an enlivened soul vibe. All this to say, I'm now convinced that music is the key to this life. Seriously consider checking it out. If you know anyone who plays an instrument, ask them "could you show me how to do the easiest cool thing?" This is never a chore to a musician, and usually makes their whole day. Get lessons with a real person - a true performer, the best you can find. A couple hours of their time would be GOLD.
Finally: Listen to Earl Nightengale, and find a way to play
the album on shuffle every morning (you can use an Alexa Routine to shuffle play the Spotify playlist). Earl Nightengale's advice has been the #1 thing that helped me shift from an unfulfilling life to a life I am actually excited to wake up to.
I am 60 but very active and fit. Can't overstate the importance of it. It makes me feel young and I am constantly working on new projects, have lots of energy and general positive outlook. Clients do not believe my age when they see me. They think I am 40. Meanwhile at one point (year 2000) I was total physical and mental wreck after working as a lead architect for a company. Went on my own since then.
What I do - My daily exercise routine is - 2 hour cardio
(hike, cycle, swim if summer) and every other day 4 sets of 20 chin ups or 4 sets of 20 triceps dips for strength. Cardio takes time, strength does not as I have bars right close to my computer in my office.
Sure, one day it will all go downhill and I'll croak but for now I enjoy the life just as well as when I was 20.
I feel that from the biological point of view, the brain evolved to serve the body (mostly for locomotion) and it's level of function is tightly related to fitness in general
After quitting full time job in 2000 I started with 1 hr but very low intensity. After 3 month I've lost all of my pounds and was able to go for however long I want. Like 200km bike ride.
I did 2 - 2.5 hours of exercise for a brief time (around a year), years ago. You can't do it if you have children, but otherwise it can be done. I started work at 7:00 and left at 15:00. Adding transportation I'd normally be home around 18:15 in the evening. I think the key is to not have other obligations (at least not to many) and a minimum of transportation time.
My daughter is adult and being on my own since 2000 relieved me from wasting time on commute except occasional visit to client. The only obligation I have is to my wife and often we ride, hike etc together or with friends.
That isn't the point the comenters above are making. They are saying that without good physical health it is extremely difficult, maybe impossible, to decide what your lifr is about and get doing about doing it for most people. Health fails eventually, yes-but being active and health conscious makes the end more bearable. My gym has a dozen or so 80+ year olds that could train circles around your average 20 year old.
Well, he does actually look like that. And he’s only 25, so he’s still a bit arrogant :-)
But, what he’s saying agrees with my experience, at three times his age: train with weights, have a caloric deficit emphasizing low carb, and walk for an hour on the days you aren’t lifting.
You can't have a caloric deficit as a long-term lifestyle choice: eventually you would waste away. But perhaps it's good advice anyway because most people could benefit from it in the short term.
After few years of training and being lead by a personal trainer and a dietician I'd add one thing:
It's crucial to have a high BMR - basal metabolic rate, when going into a deficit.
Any deficit will cause body to lower the BMR and, if it's going into < 1800kcal/day (for man) it will generally result in problems.
Body is very adaptable and will just shut down any energy hungry "facilities": lower body temperature ("I'm cold all the time", "I always have cold last two fingers"), increase sleep duration, decrease immune responses ("Why I get flu all the time in season, while others don't?") and so on.
It will loose fat, but if BMR is low, then it's also in the shock mode, where it will want to get that back as fast as possible, with some extra. That's how the yoyo effect work on physiological level.
So, start cutting on BMR of 2500-3000. It won't drop into dangerous levels and will be lower impact on the body
Read up on caloric restriction and longevity. This link came up but there are others. Not sure how solid this theory is, I am just mentioning it because OP was very sure it's the other way around.
I agree on all points but there is another after the ones you've listed.
Join the movement and push for a cure for old age. There's no reason for us to die beyond things that should be correctable through medical science. The sooner we have this breakthrough, the better for everyone. Multiple different organizations and groups currently support various means and methods of achieving this goal. I myself plan to start local advocacy and even throw my hat into a federal primary just to have it listed as my candidate position.
Another +1 for health, which is easy to improve by exercising. I started exercising (simple pushups and pullups) in 2019 and running a year ago. My social life has improved by this as well, it's just easier to do things when you're healthy. People also start making remarks about my physique, which is also nice :)
I was lucky to make new intimate friends as well around that time, which also really helps feeling connected. Exercise you just do, but for friendship you need some luck.
+1 on health as well. I worked at SpaceX earlier in my career. Others wrote about how having just a career for meaning in your life can have downsides and I wholeheartedly agree. Let me tell you that job gave me meaning, novelty everyday, launching rockets into space, non work friends always asking questions.
The downside for me was I absolutely neglected my health because work was more meaningful than basically anything else, relationships, fitness, family. Focusing on fitness, when I left the company I realized how terrible my health situation was. Lots of late nights, lunch at my desk, and lack of physical activity took a huge toll.
Getting to a healthier state fixed all the usual stuff, but also unexpectedly gave me mental happiness and has made me a better data scientist as well. I wrote a blog post detailing out why desk nerds should very much consider taking on healthy habits, and it brings me so much joy to see others here have seen similar results as well.
> 2. Social contacts. Get out there and make friends. In my case i signed up to Meetup and just attended random stuff until people stuck. This usually involves hiking, pubs and bars, restaurant nights out.
I think a problem that a lot of people struggled with, especially those in their late 20s/30s that haven't quite settled down yet, is that corona has made this a lot harder (depending on region) in the last few years. Same on point 3 actually.
Fully agree with your points though; after breaking up with my girlfriend (whom I met on meetup btw) a number of years ago doing pretty much exactly these thing really helped me get back on my feet and went from "I feel like shit all the time" to "I have great new friends whom I do fun new stuff with, a girlfriend, and generally feel pretty darn good" in a matter of about two weeks.
Right now it's a lot harder though, and has been for a while, since both are much harder where I live, which has translated in various problems including feeling more or less like the OP is describing.
100% on 1&2 but would qualify, ime, travel is a cheap thrill if you overdo it. It's great to shake things up once in awhile, but not something the average person wants to sustain on a regular basis. Personal projects, hobbies, and sociable fun become the long-invested experiences
Yes travel holds zero appeal for me. It seems like a waste of time and money. I would be quite happy never leaving my small town. Doing other productive things is inspiring, however.
+1 on health, but especially fitness. There is no health without it. In last few years it was all too easy to stop doing sports, but there should be less excuse now. If you are afraid of getting infected, go outdoor!
I agree with all of this, and just want to add a note about mental health; take your stress levels seriously and learn to know your triggers.
While most of us working in tech tend to live pretty cushy lives, but, we are surrounded by silly frustrations and limitless distractions that can sum up and become pretty stressful. Learning to spot, "I'm getting stressed" and finding some way of mitigating this is really important. It changes your mood dramatically.
Interestingly, the three things the parent mentions are actually all good ways of mitigating stress.
A second note: you don't have to do "running" or aerobic exercise if it ain't your thing. I see a lot of people think "exercise" means go running or biking, something aerobic. I tend to think, if you need music to get you "in the mood" to work out, it's probably not your thing. Just experiment. I eventually found olympic weightlifting. I'm now significantly fitter than I was in my 20s as well. The best exercise is the one you feel inspired to keep up with naturally.
Finally, learn to experiment without needing to be "amazing". Just do it for the fun. The whole "Get Back" series about the Beatles was eye-opening for a lot of people, mostly because of how mundane it really was. I don't think McCartney or Lennon ever sat down to write a "profound" song, they just scratched an itch, over and over again.
You should do some form of aerobic exercise if you're working out for health reasons. Cardiovascular health is important and will make you feel "fitter" on an every day basis.
I went from introvert to extrovert over the space of a couple of years. Fear prevented me from making lots of critical connections in life. Turned out this was silly and putting myself in uncomfortable positions led to lots of great experiences which I look back on when I need motivation and to get over the hump that stopped me doing stuff before.
I'm not sure I agree with those ways of thinking about introvert and extrovert. It's not simply if whether you like hanging out with others or prefer being alone. You don't flip from being extrovert to introvert just because you have a time in your life where you prefer to be alone. Extroverts don't become introverts while grieving the death of a loved one.
It has to do with whether hanging out with others drains or fill you with energy, mentally.
I love hanging out with people, it fills me with joy, and I'm great at talking with people, I'm good at cracking jokes that causes a group to laugh, I can hold speeches just fine, or perform in front of a group. But once I'm done, I'm exhausted, it's like holding my breath, I need to come up for air and be alone, even if I enjoy being with other people.
> You don't flip from being extrovert to introvert just because you have a time in your life where you prefer to be alone. Extroverts don't become introverts while grieving the death of a loved one.
These are hypotheses that I wouldn't rely on to give advice. It could discourage someone who is dissatisfied with themselves from trying to change. Who says it's impossible? Your personal experience, or observing people around you, or a study on 1000 people?
They claim that "You don't flip from being extrovert to introvert just because [...]", so their definition implies that people's ability to switch from one to the other is limited. I don't think that's a reasonable thing to claim without evidence.
Nope; social life is important. I find that I get overwhelmed and drained with large groups, but doing things with a group small enough to fit in a car together is fine. I personally have some hobbies I enjoy for their own sake, and meeting people through those has been rewarding. It’s good to have a mix of “close friends” who you can be open and will support you emotionally, and “activity buddies” who you can geek out about your shared interests with.
Humans are not meant to go through the world alone and modern life can be incredibly isolating. It takes effort to build social connection but it is well worth it.
I don't doubt that social life is important even for introverted people, but this advice[1] in particular would be quite painful for me, even if it's in a small group. The hitrate (micromarriage rate) would be too small. Wouldn't it just be a few hours of small talk 95% of the time?
I am happy with a small handful of friends. If I'm going to add new ones, there has to be a significant overlap in interests that makes the company particularly enjoyable and non-draining. Probably a more interest-specific/targeted approach than Meetup (although maybe Meetup is capable of that, I am not familiar with it)?
Maybe I should try it out and see for myself, though! Could be one of those things that's pleasantly surprising.
[1] "In my case i signed up to Meetup and just attended random stuff until people stuck. This usually involves hiking, pubs and bars, restaurant nights out."
In my experience, you just have to accept the low hit rate. Worst case you’ll have some awkward small talk, best case you’ll meet people that you’ll find a lot in common with, and those relationships will last a while. You just have to accept that it’s going to be awkward a bunch of the time, but you have to put yourself in those situations.
Glad this works for you, but humans are not all the same.
Dont assume what makes you happy also makes other people happy.
This is akin to telling somebody with depression to 'Cheer Up'.
> This is akin to telling somebody with depression to 'Cheer Up'.
If you feel this way, please try to see it as "telling somebody with depression to pick the activity that seems less painful to do and go do it".
It is possible for that depressed person to not be able to do it yet. However, unlike your 'cheer up' example, this is actionable advise that is very likely to (slowly) help lead that person out of the depression if they manage to do it.
I'm an introvert and it works like that for me. I hardly ever feel like socializing. It drains me when I do it. Yet I still enjoy it when I'm doing it and it has a positive effect on my mental state (up to a point, of course).
The key is to find the right balance, and to be aware that there's some "training" to it: the less you do it the harder it gets. Don't give up though because then your mental health may suffer.
Absolutely not. Even introverts need social connections. It's more akin to telling somebody to get fit because it's good for their health.
Introvert does not mean asocial or antisocial. Social connections are a fundamental part of every human's mental health. Maybe some disorders might change this up, but being an introvert is not that.
Perhaps you are sensitive to people seemingly giving you advice, because you aren’t seeking it, nor do you desire to change? Not trying to put words in your mouth, but I think you might be interpreting the recommendations as directed at you. Do you suspect that their advice may have a kernel of truth, and you are reacting to the person who caused your internal self to recoil against change? Just food for thought, not directed at you personally.
Maybe that says more about you than them. You're on a social website right now, engaging with people voluntarily, but you're insisting you're only happy by not connecting with people?
Being an introvert does not remove your monkey brain’s need for social connection. Sure, it means being deliberate about when/how/who, but most people leading a solitary life are not happy.
Thankyou for confirming my point by using the word 'most'.
It is rimportant to remember the group of people (however small) who operates outside of what is percieved as 'normal'.
It's true that people are different. It's worth remembering that a (however small) group of people also tend to justify their own behavior and that they are not "normal" can be an easy escape-latch for avoiding being uncomfortable but healthy.
I've been guilty of this in the past regarding sleep. "I don't need more than 6 hours of sleep per night" I kept telling myself and others, and I ran on that schedule for decades. When I started forcing myself to sleep more, I started to feel even better, and now I'm hovering around 8 hours per night and feel so much better. I didn't even realize I could feel better by doing something I didn't think was necessary, but it did improve me.
I've also done this related to relationships, where I found myself fine with being by myself for long stretches of time. I didn't really see any problems, and when people told me I have to see other people, I also used the "maybe I'm not "normal" and don't need it like others?" argument, which is what I told myself too. I didn't feel bad, but started seeking out more relationships anyways, and got so many benefits and became happier because of it, that I can't go back to being all alone again.
I'm not saying this applies to you, but maybe it applies to others who read. It's easy to get into the trap of lying to yourself (I'm guilty of it multiple times), with all kinds of reasons. If you can see past that, you can become happier, even if you're not miserable right now.
I believe when you read things on the internet, or anywhere, it should be common sense to assume that it does not apply to absolutely everyone/everything in all possible contexts. Use your common sense. It would be unreasonable to force people to preface all words with qualifiers like "most", "usually" and "most likely" - nothing ever applies universally.
That's typical behavior you see on social media Twitter. People say something reasonable, but then someone replies "how wrong!! this does not apply in edge case XYZ!", yeah, obviously. Just ignore it if you believe it doesn't apply to you.
It might be personal and specific to me exactly, but focusing on health has made the best impact on my general well being and offset my "I feel old and tired" vibe.
I started out with the most general advice reg. sleep, food and exercise. I noticed that most of my peers tend to get better quicker. That made me dig deeper and I actually discovered some interesting cause and the chain of events that ultimately lead to me being sleepy, groggy and not wanting to take an action in most life activities besides top priorities, which I mostly powered through.
I believe that the general feeling is at many times, a signal from the body and strongly influences our thoughts. Like the split brain patients, that are rationalizing actions in an obviously wrong way (the left/right eye experiment, where patient comes up with elaborate explanations about, what the other hemisphere came up with).
We just feel bad - which is low level physiological cue - and translate that to all sorts of high-level frontal cortex artefacts. As the OP mentioned: former fun things aren't cutting it anymore.
I also very strongly recommend learning about mental health. My biggest gem was dr K and his channel HealthyGamer on youtube. Like, this video:
I've binged a lot of his videos and he advanced my understanding of psychology from "people can be sociopaths, depressed, narcissists [etc.]" into more nuanced and refined level. He also provides some tools, that can actually help in real life
Decided I’d fix it in 2019. Three important things to concentrate on:
1. Health. If that’s off, fix it first. Everything depends on health. Sort out your diet, physical fitness and health and mental health follows. I’m fitter than all my peers and both fitter and healthier than I was in my 20s. Can run a half marathon now.
2. Social contacts. Get out there and make friends. In my case i signed up to Meetup and just attended random stuff until people stuck. This usually involves hiking, pubs and bars, restaurant nights out.
3. Invest in experiences. Go travelling, do new things and learn new stuff completely away from your usual area of expertise and comfort. So I’m usually desk bound in the middle of the city but a few weeks back I’m standing on a mountain in the middle of nowhere in the middle of the night in the middle of winter doing celestial navigation course. It was amazing.
All positive, fulfilling experiences in life I have found require putting yourself in unusual and uncomfortable positions. Life where there is no normal but it’s not bad abnormal is where the fun is. Doing those things together with other people is where you make meaningful lasting friends and relationships too.