I’m sure I’m not the only one that was raised in such an environment. I spent most of my 20s really strongly convinced that I should stay in relationships that were not healthy and just “slog it out” because that’s what I had as a template. Somehow the maintenance of the relationship takes priority over the fulfillment of either person, like a failed business contract where both parties are losing money but feel contractually obligated to continue.

I might go even one step further though and say that your first priority has to be to yourself. Of course if you have children you have to take care of them at whatever cost, but if you aren’t taking care of yourself you’ll never be able to take care of them. And if you’re never true to yourself then you won’t be able to make an authentic relationship. Really the entire nuclear family requires such a high level of emotional intelligence that I’m surprised it works out as often as it does.

I wrote this in another comment.

> As I get older, I feel that I have become much more self-aware of problems which appear in my life. While before, they may have been a black-box I push aside, now they are a curiosity I feel compelled to explore.

You somehow have to be aware of problems in your life and willing to explore them. Otherwise you stick to your defaults and deal with them with that severely limited tooling which your life path has handed down to you.

One small nit pick, I believe emotional intelligence was one of the subjects of the replication crisis. Or maybe it didn't even get that far. It seemed to become a thing by a journalist writing a best selling book off work by psychologists who ultimately decided it might actually not be a thing and moved on. I haven't checked the current state in years, but it looked like a dead end, last I checked.

I'm a parent in such a relationship. The reason people take "vows" (the strongest sort of promise you can make) in marriage is so that they stay together and take care of their children. My wife and I are not divorced, we are both involved parents, and remain friends, but we have not had an intimate relationship in about 15 years. Yes I have had my doubts about whether this was the best example to provide to my children but it seems better than any alternative, given the circumstances. In any event, the children are all grown now, so it is what it is.

I think this phrasing is bad. It's not about what's first or second or any other order. It's about balance.

You should prioritize your relationship regularly (e.g. every other week date night). You should prioritize talking to and educating your kids as much as possible. And as someone else mentioned, you're allowed to spend time with yourself, doing whatever productive or unproductive thing you want to do.

But balance is key. And more importantly, communication. All of this breaks down when two people don't talk to each other. Talking is the hardest part because it can feel useful, or useless, or downright infuriating, and etc. Yet, anecdotally, two people in a relationship that actively work to talk to each other are going to enjoy their relationship (more) and probably do a better job raising kids. They'll also more quickly conclude that they shouldn't be together if it comes to that - something that is easy to overlook.

Right, communication is huge. From one of my other comments.

> If you want an eye-opening account of how relationships go bad, take a stroll over to /r/deadbedrooms in Reddit. It doesn't matter if you're 20 or 50, you may see the same patterns in your own relationship.

They cover everything you need to know there, probably much better than anyone here will explain it.

> Imagine raising children in a relationship in which there's no sex and the parents are only together out of a sense of duty.

This is the second time I've seen sex mentioned as one of the primary components of a relationship—and I think it can be, but the idea that that's the only way to have a loving relationship is wrong. Imagine raising children in a relationship without love? That's horrifying. Imagine raising children a relationship without sex? Well, sure, why not?

Not having sex is fine if that's OK with you. It isn't the only way to a loving relationship. It is shortsighted to think it isn't an important part of one, though, and I'm personally not going to be in another sexless relationship unless it is open to me finding sex outside of the relationship. Otherwise, I'm not staying because that relationship doesn't meet my needs and I'm unhappy.

I can't imagine raising children, honestly, but I especially cannot imagine it while also being extremely unsatisfied in a relationship. Children deserve content parents, if possible.

Sex is an integral part (though not the only one) of most romantic relationships. If it weren't, most people wouldn't be demanding sexual exclusivity from their partners.