So don’t memoize unless you need to. Most of the time, you don’t. This is a fairly classic case of overeager optimization. The state changes shouldn’t* particularly depend on memoizations anyway though as memoize should be mostly for view stuff (which should* be idempotent) rather than model stuff.
* = subjective and there are a few rare exceptions
If you want acceptable performance in a reasonably complex react app you absolutely have to memoize. The fact you think this isn’t the case suggests to me you haven’t worked on a big react app.
There’s a significant difference between having to memoize and having to memoize tons of stuff.
Generally you should only need to memoize a few things, and if you find that your app becomes brittle due to the amount of memoization you’re doing you probably are not handling state in the right way. If you’re using Redux that’s a common reason for this; don’t use Redux (is my advice). And yes, I’ve worked on several large enterprise React apps at successful startups.
* = subjective and there are a few rare exceptions