> * it is a set of skills both people in the process of friendship possess and need to practice to make things work*
I think this is another example of the idea I am trying to critique (and warn against). This suggests that "the process of friendship" is a singular, universal thing that will look the same for all of us (or for all of our friendships). Or that friendship "working" is a straightforward series of opportunities for both people to "say yes" to something. I think that is wrong.
Instead, I would say that over time a friendship is best understood as a series of opportunities to become more or less central to each other. Closeness and stability do not need to be linked! My oldest friend and I are extremely stable and comfortable with each other - but I would not say we are close. That we aren't close isn't a failure. It's a recognition that our lives have gone in different directions and that we most comfortably experience intimacy with other people. It's not a failure! Both our lives would be more frustrating if we relied on each other, with our divergent social worlds and approaches to life, for mutual understanding.
> it is possible after all to be a bad friend or a bad partner due to your own lack of effort
This is true, after a way, but I think it mis-orders things in a way that will lead to confusion. You are only a bad friend or partner if you don't make the effort that you agreed to make. If you are frustrated that you friend or partner isn't showing up in a way that you want them to show up in a way they have never said they will - you are the one who is doing "badly" in the relationship! Obviously, the reverse can also be true - people can promise things and not deliver, but the gap is between commitment and behavior. There is no bad or good level of energy to put into a relationship as long as you aren't deceptive about it.
Basically, you aren't a bad friend or partner because of 'your own lack of effort' - putting more effort into engaging a way your significant other doesn't want would make things worse. It's the lack of alignment that causes the problem and, until that alignment is corrected, you can't know if more effort is actually what the other person would like.
I think this is another example of the idea I am trying to critique (and warn against). This suggests that "the process of friendship" is a singular, universal thing that will look the same for all of us (or for all of our friendships). Or that friendship "working" is a straightforward series of opportunities for both people to "say yes" to something. I think that is wrong.
Instead, I would say that over time a friendship is best understood as a series of opportunities to become more or less central to each other. Closeness and stability do not need to be linked! My oldest friend and I are extremely stable and comfortable with each other - but I would not say we are close. That we aren't close isn't a failure. It's a recognition that our lives have gone in different directions and that we most comfortably experience intimacy with other people. It's not a failure! Both our lives would be more frustrating if we relied on each other, with our divergent social worlds and approaches to life, for mutual understanding.
> it is possible after all to be a bad friend or a bad partner due to your own lack of effort
This is true, after a way, but I think it mis-orders things in a way that will lead to confusion. You are only a bad friend or partner if you don't make the effort that you agreed to make. If you are frustrated that you friend or partner isn't showing up in a way that you want them to show up in a way they have never said they will - you are the one who is doing "badly" in the relationship! Obviously, the reverse can also be true - people can promise things and not deliver, but the gap is between commitment and behavior. There is no bad or good level of energy to put into a relationship as long as you aren't deceptive about it.
Basically, you aren't a bad friend or partner because of 'your own lack of effort' - putting more effort into engaging a way your significant other doesn't want would make things worse. It's the lack of alignment that causes the problem and, until that alignment is corrected, you can't know if more effort is actually what the other person would like.