Just some random advice, consider some, all or none:
1. Eliminate the following words and phrases: So, Now, But, In my opinion, anything you might put in a text message to shorten it, 95% of all words that end in "ly". Tighten things up. Nouns and verbs build great sentences, adverbs and adjectives stink up the joint.
2. Show, don't tell. Don't tell me it's not going to be a post about pickups. Show me it's not.
3. Effective use of parenthetical phrases is hard. Read some David Foster Wallace for great examples. When you say "Ouch" then stick the rest of the sentence in a parenthetical, it actually loses some of the punch because instead of being orthogonal to the "Ouch", it's should be the punchline of your joke.
4. Use imagery to get your point across. Instead of saying that you'd get wasted, say "If some chic said that to me, I'd be headed for a three day bender that would make Ernest Hemingway look like a teetotaler." Paint the reader a picture.
5. I don't mind the "bro" style but it's going to put a lot of people off. It's very tricky to do well but don't let that stop you if you like it. Style is in the eye of the beholder. Just tighten things up a lot if you're going to use it.
6. Write it one day, proof and publish it the next. I find this to be terribly difficult. However, you'd be surprised how much better an essay gets with even a single revision. At the very least, write in the morning and publish in the afternoon.
Also, contractions are written to replace the removed letters with an apostrophe, like this:
isn't
Not like this:
is'nt
To be honest, I'm wondering how it's possible that you've made it this far in life without knowing this. I'd understand if English isn't your first language, but the "bro" writing style suggests otherwise...
(Edit: "You" in this comment refers to the OP/post author, not to the author of the parent comment. Sorry about that.)
Gonna have to disgree with #1. I think it's a giant myth that adverbs and adjectives are somehow bad. By all means be judicious in your use of them, but it's absolutely ridiculous to say they're categorically taboo or something. Same with So, Now, But - they can stink up the joint if they're every other sentence, but they can also help segue from one thought to the next, or (in the case of In my opinion) allow for some disagreement to your point.
Totally agree with #2: "Actually I will go even further and tell you that-" can be eliminated. "I will share a personal example with you." Well, just go ahead, I'll be able to follow along.
#6 is great, and I'd go one further and have someone you trust (or pay somebody to) proofread as well, especially if it's not your native language.
The problem with "they can stink up the joint" is that writing that relies on adverbs and adjectives does stink up the joint. Jazz musicians can break the rules because they both know the rules and understand the rules. Beginners can't break the rules because they don't know when broken rules are ok.
You have to learn how to write without adverbs and adjectives before you can know when to "be judicious in your use of them". Our natural inclination is to use them constantly (see, constantly). Learn how to write without them then the occasional use of them will strengthen and empower your writing.
scotch_drinker accurately described my sentiments. Generalizing the points he made, I'll say two (and half) things:
1. Up the level of your writing a bit. It's currently in ripped jeans and an Ed Hardy shirt (have'nt?!). Don't go full black tie, but at least get a blazer and clean pair of jeans on. See here: http://www.wikihow.com/Avoid-Colloquial-%28Informal%29-Writi...
2. (a) Have one point (your thesis), and make sure (virtually) every sentence is directly related to it. You had far too many distractions. The fact that you were a "negger" and some people benefited from being one is completely irrelevant.
2. (b) Make sure very sentence is strongly related to your thesis. E.g. if you want to show how it's a nice day, don't say you went for a walk, tell me you went to the beach. An example from your post would be the great implementers you mentioned. Mentioned fewer implementers, but when giving one, expound a bit, and show the reader how much it related - or is applicable - to your thesis.
Since you asked for it... the 'bro' style makes the thing unreadable. Not to mention the 'lol!'s that felt like they finished every sentence.
After seeing that you were here asking what's wrong with it, I decided to go back and actually read it. You make a good point, but it's lost in the froth of meaningless words.
I realize you might be cultivating a persona or trying to use rhetoric to support your argument, but in my view those actions weaken it. You have a good idea: 'Don't waste anymore time thinking, get out there and do it.' But, I think you'd be much more effective if you consolidated your argument and did away with the attitude.
Hi nodemaker! I think the problem lies in the fact that you're shooting for sort of casual, young American dialect, but haven't fully grokked all the quirks of it (yet). So it ends up seeming a little like a simulation thereof.
Also, I think punctuation and grammar are ironically even more important in informal writing. With writing that emulates speech, readers are hearing a "voice" read to them in their head, and mistakes are like breaking character (unless they're deliberate, but that requires knowing the rules backwards and forwards to begin with). Compared to formal writing, the voice is not as important as the content, and so mistakes are easily glossed over. Also, commas and ellipses and such are really important (IMO) for emulating the pauses and inflections of normal speech, and so when they're missing, it sort of seems like an uncanny valley that's not quite right.
For what it's worth, I'd like to disagree with that sentiment. I don't find the informal style of the article overbearing. While I'm generally not a fan of the dudebro-speak I didn't get too tripped up on it in your article. There are a couple of minor spelling and punctuation mistakes but I'm not a spelling Nazi either so it doesn't bother me.
The part that actually slowed me down was the "These great people were implementors" argument. After a couple of sentences I was saying to myself "OK I get it, now get on with it".
Linux and Hurd is not a bad example. It's pretty apt. One is still unfinished since the 80's and the other is at version 3+ and being used in a plethora of OSes. Good example, my friend.
I wouldn't call the writing atrocious but I can see how the first half, while entertaining for sure, awkwardly segued into the real message.
The message (which was poorly conveyed) is correct however. Have results as soon as you possibly can (just try not to sacrifice too much elegance).
A (lousy) example would be Linux & GNU Hurd.