I appreciate your detailed comment, I see myself partly in this although I only suspect I have CPTSD. But right now I feel like I know all this intellectually, and frequently I even believe that I can get up from those 2 feet of water, but if i do, there's just nothing there, no one there. I know it will pass and that I will have great days again, maybe even tomorrow, but during I just feel like I want to wallow in the water.
Or more accurately, it feels that the only things I want/need in those moments are unavailable, and anything else I just don't want to do.
I’m sorry you’re going through this, and what you’re describing sounds very much like me at some points in the process, and to be very honest, I’m still not immune; I still slip into depressive episodes.
But the more I focus on doing “the work”, the shorter they are, and there haven’t been as many. For me, that has meant: Weekly therapy, Get good sleep, Eat decent food, daily mindfulness meditation and Yoga, several long walks every week, daily if possible. Journaling to clear thoughts out of my head.
This would have sounded like an insurmountable list at one point, and in reality happened gradually. One thing built on the next.
If I could deliver a message to my former self when I was stuck in a much deeper and longer rut, it’d be:
0. I need to start loving myself, as strange as that feels. Especially when the love isn’t there from outside, find it from inside if I can (this was fucking hard at first but got easier)
1. The only person who can change me is me (but get external help)
2. I don’t actually like wallowing in it. I just have a deeply ingrained habit of wallowing in it and it feels “normal”. It’ll stay normal until replaced with a new normal
3. Get better sleep above all else. Everything else gets easier. It took me 6 months of gradually shifting my schedule but I’d have buckled down sooner if I had realized how much it would help.
4. I won’t wake up one day and suddenly feel like doing the things I need to do - so I should stop waiting for that day and do it anyway. Doing it might feel like the hardest thing I’ve ever done. Do it anyway. Starting is the hard part. Doing it is usually far easier.
5. When I start to wallow or abandon good habits, don’t get upset about it, just begin again. It’s more like surfing than mountain climbing. Falling down is part of the process.
I don’t know how I would have received this message from my future self. I might have struggled to receive it. But these are some of the bigger things that I realized along the way, and continue to realize as I work through this.
I agree with all those points, I don't have issues with sleep but I can see how much murkier everything would be if I wasn't lucky in that regard
I would add to that the importance of doing creative work. I would've been inclined to say this is personal, but I'm leaning more into believing that just like you don't need to be "a type of person" to get into mindfulness and yoga, everyone can and should benefit from having a physical space and allocated time to play with some form of creative activity. I might feel lonely or wish my life was better but if I'm being creative it's like I'm in contact with a part of me that is a friend.
It's related to your point about loving yourself, because sometimes it's hard to be convinced that I'm worthy of self love if I'm just indulging in depressive thoughts. But when examined, there's two components to that, the thoughts, and the indulging. If I focus on the indulging but I'm not mindful, I can slip into addiction. But if I do it with the mindset that I'm giving myself "permission" to indulge in child-like play, then I'm becoming a kkind of person I'd like to be around, so it becomes easy to love myself.
That’s a really good point about creative work. This has been a big part of my progress as well, but has been a bit on-again off-again. I’m glad you mentioned this, because I think I need to make it a more consistent outlet, and the self-love connection makes sense.
Or more accurately, it feels that the only things I want/need in those moments are unavailable, and anything else I just don't want to do.