no worries, been asking myself that question too. my best guess is that i had disassociated because i couldnt bear the cognitive dissonance from accepting the fact that i was in an abusive relationship. before that incident, everything in that relationship had been going well - but looking back i see that i was slowly becoming more and more reliant on her for her network of friends and her family, which made breaking up a difficult thought to consider. anyway, the other thing going on was sleep deprivation from a severely deviated septum - i broke up with her in may 2024 after a couples counseling session, in which she a) tried to blame me for the stabbing incident, and b) admitted to kicking me awake every night over the previous 4 years when i snored.
anyway. got surgery to fix that apnea issue in july, and ive been getting back to my old self.
edit: the other jarring thing was just how successful i was at work. anyone that uses AWS lambda benefited from my projects in 2023/2024 - some of that stuff got L10 visibility inside AWS. i guess i spent all my mental energy at work, even though i was (and still am) fully remote/WFH. anyway it was tough to reconcile my failures in my personal life with my successes in work life - i was both a failure and a success.
I had a relationship turn that way, too, and had the same reaction - it took way too long to recognize what had happened and to step back and realize what I had to do. I didn’t want to admit it was over, I didn’t want to admit I’d been wrong, and I didn’t want to let go of the future I’d been imagining. When I got out, I looked back and realized I’d basically played the exact script from every story you ever hear about that kind of relationship - you know, the story where you hear it and say “that was stupid, I’d have just…”, except it turns out I wouldn’t have just, because I didn’t.
All that’s a long way to say I’m sorry for what you went through, and if any of what I’ve said resonates, you’re not alone and I encourage you to forgive yourself.
Enjoy your Christmas. Being alone ain’t the worst thing in the world.
Godspeed, stranger. Sometimes just taking the first steps can be the hardest part of taking care of yourself. Keep it up, and best of luck during the new year.
Yep the isolation lets us run completely untrusted workloads. "Us" is not my team, I am adjacent, so I am not fully across which buzzwords but it is pretty cool.
anyway. got surgery to fix that apnea issue in july, and ive been getting back to my old self.
edit: the other jarring thing was just how successful i was at work. anyone that uses AWS lambda benefited from my projects in 2023/2024 - some of that stuff got L10 visibility inside AWS. i guess i spent all my mental energy at work, even though i was (and still am) fully remote/WFH. anyway it was tough to reconcile my failures in my personal life with my successes in work life - i was both a failure and a success.