“In order to keep using your 80386SX, you’ll need to pay $500/year plus 10% of your power bill to keep it on. Your Intel account has been migrated to a Broadcom account, except we lost your password, so you’ll have to reset it via email. Please sign the new EULA which says we can enter your property and look for evidence in a manner that would make an FBI lawyer in a FISA court blush.”