FWIW, after reading the 40 or so comments posted so far, here are some of my thoughts, observations and things I've learned after submitting the original post (in no particular order):
1. Either there are very few people on HN who can relate to this "problem" (when I put something in quotes, it sometimes means I am doing so for the sake of brevity ie. I understand the implications and various connotations of a term but explaining that I do would take up to much time/space. Like now.), or they felt more compelled to comment on aspects of my post than post their own experiences. Both of these explanations echo what I've observed in the real world and on other sites
2. Intelligence is a very touch subject for many people. Many people chose to comment on my choice of using the phrase "dumbing down". I'm still trying to find a good choice of words that doesn't need to fill entire paragraph, and that can adequately express what I mean. I think the audience here plays a big role is choosing the correct phrasing.
3. I should spend more time thinking about the examples I cite. A few people based parts of their comments around the fact that I mentioned "strip club" (apparently sex still sells). I don't enjoy strip clubs at all. I mentioned it because a) it's true, b) I thought it would provide a good contrast.
But more importantly, instead of spending time agonizing over examples (I spent quite a bit of time considering whether or not I should use the "10% of our brain" bit), perhaps I should try to express more clearly that I'm talking about patterns of behaviour, rather than individual occurrences.
4. I'm under no illusions - it's very, very difficult if not impossible to generalize human behaviour. People are different and they can interpret things in very different ways. Culture also plays a very big role. That's why I don't really expect to find the answer here or anywhere else. (Maybe there isn't an answer? Maybe this is a non-problem?) I just tend to look for patterns in responses and try to improve/change my own attitude, mindset, communication and relationships with people (if I do find great advice, it's a bonus). Most of the replies I've read have misinterpreted something I've said. That could be partly my fault and/or partly the reader's.
5. One can't really quantify aspects of social relationships objectively, so you resort to using qualifiers like "tend to", "many" (instead of "any"), and "probably" etc, rather than talking about "10% of the time", or "60% of my discussions". But considering that most people seemed to ignore these qualifiers, is this really the best way to express these ideas?
6. Believe it or not, I get along with people very well. I know about adapting to different situations and can do it with great ease, and I do recognize what I'm talking about as my own shortcoming rather than blaming others.
There are many other things but I think these are the most significant for now.
I agree, I think most of the people who responded assumed you were talking about geek/normal socialization. But you're talking about something else. You want to experience a variety of things, and thus you have a variety of social groups, but in each case you feel like you're suppressing part of yourself.
I know exactly what you are talking about. I don't think this is easy to fix. I've sort of "solved" the problem by living in the Bay Area. There are a lot of hypernerds, and a lot of wild and creative people who love to party, and a significant number of people who are in the intersection.
You'll never completely escape the problem, though. One of the blessings and curses of the modern world is that you can develop interests that make you very different from your geographic peers.
The one thing that you really MUST do is stay away from people or activities you have contempt for. That's not good for you or for them. And even if you think you are hiding it well, usually they pick up on it, at least subconsciously.
> I know exactly what you are talking about. I don't think this is easy to fix. I've sort of "solved" the problem by living in the Bay Area
After doing it for so long, I've realized it's not an easy problem to deal with. I think that you have a fairly accurate interpretation of what I'm trying to convey. I'm glad you posted about how you've attempted to deal with it (even though the "fix" may just have been a pleasant side-effect of moving for another reason). I've considered relocating, but I also like my friends. So to me, this is sort of ditching them and finding other people to be around. This could of course just be me trying to rationalize away unpleasant options but knowing myself it's also an indication of the difficulty of the problem.
Yeah. Also, be careful what you wish for. The Bay Area is great, but also an echo chamber for the kind of people who live in the Bay Area. Maybe it's a good thing that you bridge various worlds that don't normally communicate. You can be an 'interesting' person in all of them.
1. The average HN reader/commenter is way nerdier than is normal and some late comers to the party that is social skills get aggressive about it. If I can overcome my (para) Asperger's so should you! But it sounds like you're one of those people who are of intersection partyer/social animal & nerd (one interested in knowledge for its own sake)
2. And they don't hang out with people of normal intelligence much. Otherwise they'd know they were smarter than average. [This is not a value judgement on someone's worth as a human being, just on whether they're interesting to talk to on an ongoing basis, or only a few times with interestingness decreasing]
3. I think your problem is not hanging around with smart people. That's it. Occasionally abrasive, intelligent, talkative, argumentative, smart people. Hanging out with people you have to watch yourself with, who you have to consciously tailor your behaviour to is a chore.
4. [asshole] Give me a break. Generalisations work statistically, that's why you've noticed them. If you develop an individual relationship with someone, sure, relate to them as a person, but stupidly huge amounts of human interaction and behaviour can be modelled and gamed if you want to put the time and effort in to learn and apply it. You're over correcting because the cant says that everyone is a special unique snowflake and your experience tells you that's not true but it's not socially acceptable to say that kind of thing. Be more confident in your own experiences [/asshole]
5. Yes, it is, just not with people who get all huffy about this stuff.
6. Hey, if you can get along with everybody at the party even when you've got vanishingly little in common with them, maybe you can go for something where that's useful professionally. Personally I recommend heading to the real big city and hanging out with intellectual peers with a similarly ridiculous range of interests. They might not know what you're talking about but they'll be able to ask intelligent questions, and they'll want to and you'll be able to do the same with them.
Coming to this late I doubt anybody will read this but I am surprised nobody has made the obvious point: Many people's social circles contract as they get older. As you mature, it is natural to reach the conclusion that life is too short to spend on some people and that there are other, better things that you can do with your time. What you are complaining about is socialising in an environment that for whatever reason, you can't be yourself (in this case, because you can't correct people when they say something obviously wrong, but it could have been any other reason).
So don't. Decrease the quantity of your socialising, increase the quality, and spend your time doing something that gives you genuine pleasure, even if it means doing it on your own.
> I think the better description you're looking for is, "The conversations aren't as rigorous as I'd like."
It's not that either, but then again it could be. We all have different ways of interpreting this. That's why the most important part of my post was trying to find people who could relate to what I'm talking about.
> But I'm confused. Do you really expect meaty, stimulating conversation when you go clubbing?
Not at all, but again this was just an example (a poor one it seems - which is what I was getting at in the post you responded to). I'll try to provide some context: Certain clubs have separate lounge areas for the purpose of relaxation, privacy, and social interaction on a more intimate level. My friends and I spend a lot of time in clubs and parties (some of them own clubs so it's nothing new to them), so when we go out we tend to spend more time in the lounge areas than at the bar or dancefloor. Occasionally a "serious" conversation will arise and that's what I'm talking about now. Now as I tried to explain, I'm not referring to one particular incident. I'm really talking about a pattern of behaviour.
> Also, you seem to be going out of your way to bring up the strip club. If you don't like it don't go.
I don't understand why you think that, or why you think the problem I have is with the strip club. I think you're exhibiting the behaviour that results from a poor incidence selection (that's what I was talking about in my previous post).
I tried to explain why I mentioned it (truth and contrast), and why I thought it was a bad example.
Of course, I could be wrong about everything here, or maybe I will just be misinterpreted/misunderstood again. But I think that trying to cover all my bases is unproductive. Case in point: How much value was there for me in explaining what I meant by "lounge in a club"?
> That's why the most important part of my post was trying to find people who could relate to what I'm talking about.
Right, but you still have to talk about it carefully. People here definitely got obsessed with your dumbing down comment. It's probably good to avoid words like smart or dumb since they can end up being a distraction.
> How much value was there for me in explaining what I meant by "lounge in a club"?
Explaining the lounge area was very helpful to me. The lounge areas in the places I've been to aren't really separate from the main part -- so not quiet or intimate like what you're describing. Your comments about conversation there make more sense now.
> I don't understand why you think that, or why you think the problem I have is with the strip club.
I see only two comments that mention it besides your own, and your original post has it inserted as a distracting aside. I was just observing, not trying to confront you. I get that you're trying to give an encompassing view of your social circle.
But then if it is supposed to illustrate patterns of behavior, does it mean you regularly do things with your social group that you don't enjoy?
1. Either there are very few people on HN who can relate to this "problem" (when I put something in quotes, it sometimes means I am doing so for the sake of brevity ie. I understand the implications and various connotations of a term but explaining that I do would take up to much time/space. Like now.), or they felt more compelled to comment on aspects of my post than post their own experiences. Both of these explanations echo what I've observed in the real world and on other sites
2. Intelligence is a very touch subject for many people. Many people chose to comment on my choice of using the phrase "dumbing down". I'm still trying to find a good choice of words that doesn't need to fill entire paragraph, and that can adequately express what I mean. I think the audience here plays a big role is choosing the correct phrasing.
3. I should spend more time thinking about the examples I cite. A few people based parts of their comments around the fact that I mentioned "strip club" (apparently sex still sells). I don't enjoy strip clubs at all. I mentioned it because a) it's true, b) I thought it would provide a good contrast. But more importantly, instead of spending time agonizing over examples (I spent quite a bit of time considering whether or not I should use the "10% of our brain" bit), perhaps I should try to express more clearly that I'm talking about patterns of behaviour, rather than individual occurrences.
4. I'm under no illusions - it's very, very difficult if not impossible to generalize human behaviour. People are different and they can interpret things in very different ways. Culture also plays a very big role. That's why I don't really expect to find the answer here or anywhere else. (Maybe there isn't an answer? Maybe this is a non-problem?) I just tend to look for patterns in responses and try to improve/change my own attitude, mindset, communication and relationships with people (if I do find great advice, it's a bonus). Most of the replies I've read have misinterpreted something I've said. That could be partly my fault and/or partly the reader's.
5. One can't really quantify aspects of social relationships objectively, so you resort to using qualifiers like "tend to", "many" (instead of "any"), and "probably" etc, rather than talking about "10% of the time", or "60% of my discussions". But considering that most people seemed to ignore these qualifiers, is this really the best way to express these ideas?
6. Believe it or not, I get along with people very well. I know about adapting to different situations and can do it with great ease, and I do recognize what I'm talking about as my own shortcoming rather than blaming others.
There are many other things but I think these are the most significant for now.