Foreword: I do not believe I have ever been in a mental state that could be considered as 'depression'.
That said, I have experienced times in my life that have made me realise that the common views (e.g. you are free to do anything now; it will get better; etc) are false. They all stem from the idea that the individual is selfish.
The worst times I've had in my life were the times in which I tried really hard to be virtuous, to care, to right wrongs.
When I want more than just to 'succeed'. More than just to fix my life. My life is fine!
Bureaucracy, for example. 'Company policy'. It makes me angry and feel as if millions of humans have lost the ability to feel empathy, have been turned into robots. It's not about the fact I can't return a broken lightbulb; I don't give a toss about the 1 GBP. It's about the knowledge that most people don't care about right and wrong. Most people will obey the rules, they will do what authority says, they will take the path of least resistance.
Politics. My country treats the poor as subhuman whilst praising the rich. It fawns over 'merit'; which is really just random chance.
I could go on... basically, what happens when you realise that you're playing a rigged game? It doesn't matter if you win or lose. You can run away and hide. Or you can fight, all the while knowing that your attempts almost certain to be futile.
Once the box is open it never closes. I cope by employing nihilism, but the triggers are everywhere. Every 'intellectual discussion' about the merits of Red vs Blue, about the latest plan to Lock People In A Box for performing something mundane like shuffling some bits around.
And all around, the advice is to take drugs. Think differently. 'Come to terms with it'. Counselling... I don't want that shit. I want a city, a country, a world that treats its citizens well. If not as equals, at least as more than dogs.
My thoughts exactly. At times I actually feel guilty for not killing myself because I therefore submit myself to unfair terms, which is worse than death. If our world is not fixable, we can not lead it to the state we might like, why pretend?
That said, I have experienced times in my life that have made me realise that the common views (e.g. you are free to do anything now; it will get better; etc) are false. They all stem from the idea that the individual is selfish.
The worst times I've had in my life were the times in which I tried really hard to be virtuous, to care, to right wrongs.
When I want more than just to 'succeed'. More than just to fix my life. My life is fine!
Bureaucracy, for example. 'Company policy'. It makes me angry and feel as if millions of humans have lost the ability to feel empathy, have been turned into robots. It's not about the fact I can't return a broken lightbulb; I don't give a toss about the 1 GBP. It's about the knowledge that most people don't care about right and wrong. Most people will obey the rules, they will do what authority says, they will take the path of least resistance.
Politics. My country treats the poor as subhuman whilst praising the rich. It fawns over 'merit'; which is really just random chance.
I could go on... basically, what happens when you realise that you're playing a rigged game? It doesn't matter if you win or lose. You can run away and hide. Or you can fight, all the while knowing that your attempts almost certain to be futile.
Once the box is open it never closes. I cope by employing nihilism, but the triggers are everywhere. Every 'intellectual discussion' about the merits of Red vs Blue, about the latest plan to Lock People In A Box for performing something mundane like shuffling some bits around.
And all around, the advice is to take drugs. Think differently. 'Come to terms with it'. Counselling... I don't want that shit. I want a city, a country, a world that treats its citizens well. If not as equals, at least as more than dogs.