This isn’t always the case, but sometimes I find myself naturally skeptical of people who seem overly interested in what’s going on in my life and overwhelming positive and complimentary of anything I mention - as if the nicer someone is the more I perceive their kindness to be BS. I’ve had to focus on suppressing this inclination to see the genuine good in others at times.
One, it's unexpected that someone seems to actually be interested in you. This may be projection as well, of course, because I am not actually interested in most people. People ask "How's your weekend been?" to me, but I don't ask that of others myself - one, I don't care, and two, how someone else spends their spare time is none of my business.
And two, it's awareness of these interpersonal techniques (e.g. Carnegie's book) to make friends, influence people, and sell them something - in other words, ulterior motives instead of genuine interest. Building rapport. It feels like an act.
Three, hopefully an edge case, I knew one guy who made it really overt that he only asked you how your day / weekend was so he could talk about his. I wasn't playing because I thought he was a prick, and I didn't care about his weekend, and was uncomfortable talking about my spare time, especially because there was no genuine interest but instead a segue into boasting.
> Ut recitem tibi nostra rogas epigrammata. Nolo. Non audire, Celer, sed recitare cupis.
> You ask that I recite to you my epigrams. I refuse: you don't want to listen, Celer, but to recite your own.
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It's not the same, but a similar thing I want to mention in case reading the parent comment makes awkward people feel awkward about asking people about their days in case it's perceived as mercenary: I have a friend who is a bit ADHD-ish, and gets caught up with his own interests. I greatly enjoy talking to him regardless, but I know when he stops himself and asks me about what's going on in my life that's a very conscious decision on his part - and I appreciate it all the more for that.
> This may be projection as well, of course, because I am not actually interested in most people.
Bingo. Not everyone is interested in medieval history, but some are fascinated by it. Some people don't care about the specifics of their friends'/colleagues' weekends, others are genuinely curious. To each their own.
And, yeah, some people are just socially engineering or, or just waiting for their turn to talk (John Mulaney has a funny bit about that)... but it's not all of us, I promise. And I think those people are fairly likely to identify themselves via other adjacent failings of character.
On several occasions I've found myself taken aback when someone asked me a deep/attentive question about myself. There are only a few people in my life that I actually care enough to hear their answers to those of questions, and I assume they are the same way.
Sometimes those people creep me out and sometimes it forms a lasting bond. But I fully understand what you mean when you say you perceive it as BS. It just sets off alarm bells and makes my brain pay way more attention to decide whether they are being genuine or not (and if they are, to find out why the apparent bond is so asymmetrical).
<< I've found myself taken aback when someone asked me a deep/attentive question about myself.
I guess it really depends on how 'deep' the question is. If it is the 'how are your kids/how was your weekend?', I typically play along, because people expect a performance art ( or at least did pre-covid ). I might even make something up if I feel frisky.
But I don't really recall an adult asking me deep/attentive questions during work hours ( sadly, it is not a joke; my in-office interactions were highly scripted ).
Still, you made me think about the 'deep/attentive' questions from others. A decade or so ago, co-worker brought his kids to work. One kid was brutal and his questions made me re-evaluate some of my basic assumptions about my work/life balance.
edit: Obviously, I have no idea how I would have reacted if an adult stranger asked me the same questions.
> I find myself naturally skeptical of people who seem overly interested in what’s going on in my life and overwhelming positive and complimentary of anything I mention
Yep, as an INTJ, I find myself often repeating pertinent points because I dont see any lights-going-on moment in their faces, the negative for me is that I've been labelled by some as having dementia for repeating myself! I just dont see people reacting to the significance of some of the things I've said to them though and thats worrying when its authority type figures.
Classic example, kidney disease test uses creatinine as an indicator of estimated Glomular Filtration Rate (eGFR test). Things that elevate creatine and its breakdown product creatinine, is vitamin D and creatine body building supplementation. Vets and GP's use these creatinine tests to prescribe a whole host of drugs and treatments yet the lab test cant quantify and account for the Vit D and Creatine supplementation. My vet was surprised I give my dog creatine, but about 30% can be destroyed by heat and the raw diet makes huskies perform better by about 20%, ergo creatine supplement for dogs on cooked food can help get them closer to what they would have had on a raw diet.
Even GP's dont ask if someone is doing creatine supplementation at least on the NHS here in the UK. For the record you need to two weeks off Creatine supplementation for the lab test to become accurate and longer like at least 8-12 weeks for Vit D (Vit D has a 4 week half life) to get out of your system before arriving at a more accurate creatinine lab test. If GP doesn't ask the right questions, they could put your through unnecessary treatments which is a waste for taxpayers and the patient.
Ffs. This is s exactly their point. You're seven steps behind the game. The point is that if you don't ask the right questions, the 'ah ha' moment one would need to realize they will be defeated by using a standard testing technique because there is extra context that you, the General Practitioner are unaware of.
Then instead of sitting down and engaging a few brain cells on abstract thinking, you blame the poster for having Aspberger's because you can't make the topical leap.
This happens all the time in topics where one can actually be bothered to accrue significant knowledge, in my experience.
I didn't have a problem following them [AFAICT, there's nothing particularly complicated about the subject], to me the content structure lacks hierarchy that others naturally apply; rather like unintentionally burying the lede. Their point seemed like it was 'left as an exercise for the reader' -- fine if they intended that style is prose.
I didn't blame the GP; friends who have conversed with me in that manner (only 2) have had diagnoses of Asperger's [which is why I chose that term over ASD].
FWIW there were several interesting things in the comment, and I'm glad they made it.
I can relate (sort of). I got a blood test shortly after a night of heavy drinking, and ended up getting an (unnecessary) ultrasound because of my creatinine levels!
I can also relate to feeling as though people are not getting what I'm saying. I really wish more people were active listeners, but it's one of those things you can't really ask someone else to do gracefully.
I feel like the best you can do is make sure you've designed your sentence so that the full impact gets through. Example, telling my doctor that I was an 8 or 9 out of 10 in pain was met with shrugs. Saying that I was woken at night with waves of pain that felt like I was being stabbed with a knife got their attention.
> I feel like the best you can do is make sure you've designed your sentence so that the full impact gets through
There's no emotion in text or little anyway and some people I think are more focused on their surroundings or body language, beside text (sight) is the fastest input into the brain.
>I feel like the best you can do is make sure you've designed your sentence so that the full impact gets through
And this is another point, GP's dont do a saliva test to see how high our cortisol/adrenaline levels are so someone in a high stressed situation wont feel pain like someone who is relaxed so then if the GP/paramedic asks the question of "1-10 10 being most painful how painful is something?", they have failed by not measuring the circulating levels of cortisol and adrenaline which is masking the pain level the brain is trying to convey to the GP.
Put another way, you go to the dentist and have a filling, the dentist injects whatever to numb the pain but some patients need more than they amount/kg. Why is this? Do they have a healthy liver which metabolises the drug faster, better blood circulation, higher levels of bilirubin or high levels of manganese which improves the nervous system?
So many variables to factor into a single or double ml shot of painkiller!
I was talking about spoken sentences. Yes, I design sentences for use in important conversations, and I have no idea if that is weird or not. :)
But yes, great point on body language. My saying 9 calmly through gritted teeth was received differently from my gesticulated comment on waves of pain..
My one data point; the one ex-friend I had that was really encouraging/interested in things I talked about (at first) turned out to be a borderline sociopath and I had to end the friendship.
I've had similar experiences. I find some people use attention and the doling out of validation to establish control and eventually manipulation. They don't have to be sociopaths, even average narcissists often play such games.
It's very counter intuitive to question someone's motives when their external presentation is so disarming. Undoubtedly this keeps you from some genuine relationships as well though.
It is a gamble. The question typically boils down to whether you are willing to gamble. I mean.. it is genuinely harder to make 'real' friends as you grow older. As a kid, there is no question of ulterior motives, because they are in the open. He has a console and a new game I want to play. We are best friends now.
