But there isn't that "not learning shit" aspect to it because none of your muscle memory translates between the full-size computer keyboard and the crammed mobile version.

And people somehow learned to type on phone keypads before. No one complained about it once they figured it out in the first hours after getting their first phone.

sorry, you don't get it. that isn't learning. People know where everything is but now it's just smaller. It looks the same.

On android, on google keyboard, I can pick layouts like Azerty, Dvorak, Colemak, and ClearFlow. There's also plenty of novel replacements for conventional keyboard style hit boxes using various gestures.

These things are readily available. I've never seen them in the wild.

It's not like these things don't exist. You can switch over right now. The reason you aren't ... that's the learning thing.