> I never feel secured or that they have my back

3 good things: (1) your biggest problem is yourself (which means it’s in your control, possible to change), (2) you’re at least partially aware of that, and (3) you’re obviously good enough to get hired at FAANG so probably not actually “below average”.

Of course, changing your mindset is hard… the first step is knowing it’s possible. The second step is, trying out all the well-known techniques (meditation, equanimity, gratitude, working out, abundance mentality, …) and seeing what works.

Not in your control, and can't change, hence the question. A common and dangerous trap. "I can change" may be as treacherous an approach as "say no to drugs". If we locked up all the people that failed to change, our prisons would be full(er). I'd be there too.

Now with the modified premise that "you can't change", "your biggest problem is yourself" becomes horrible news. It's the one thing you can't solve. But that's where many people find themselves.

But if you can't change, then what?

This spares you of all the self-criticims, self-help, self-motivation, and can help you reframe your narrative:

- A therapist doesn't help you "change". You're giving yourself someone to talk to. You're paying someone friendly, that wants to be your friend, has a lot of knowledge about struggling people, and can give you drugs. That's a great deal for anyone who can afford it.

- Drugs don't change you. They medicate you. If you take asprin for a headache, nothing about you changed apart from a less aching head.

Just talking this way will make you feel better already, and it helps that they're true.

I mentioned therapy and drugs because they work and are also mentioned by many other comments. But without "changing yourself" there is a ton you can do. What you have control over and can change are your people, your relationships with your people, your location, your job, how you spend your time, how you spend your money, what you eat, etc, etc.

If you insist people can change, okay, but you have to agree changing these things is far easier than changing people. It's easier to change the relationship with your manager or even replacing him than "changing" your manager. Same applies with yourself.

But the best part is, if you do all these things, you will feel better. You will change. You're one with all of these things. Because, ultimately, that's all you is.

I want be charitable to your comment but I think the premise of "I can't change" could be just as "dangerous" (as you put it). If you actually meant "change is difficult" then I would agree.

But, of course we can change. Can you learn a musical instrument? Can you learn to cook? Can you learn a language? Can you learn to use more positive language? Can you learn to use more positive self-talk (CBT)? Can you learn to get better at pausing between feeling an emotion and responding to that emotion to exercise self-regulation? (This skill is demonstrably what separates us from other animals).

Whether learning an instrument or changing your thought patterns, you're just creating, strengthening or weakening different connections within your brain. Some ingrained behaviours are harder to change, some feel impossible, but nonetheless we can absolutely change.

>This spares you of all the self-criticims, self-help, self-motivation, and can help you reframe your narrative

This essentially boils down to a bit of self-compassion and acceptance which I agree with although its not necessarily predicated on giving up on your ability to change.

> It's easier to change the relationship with your manager or even replacing him than "changing" your manager. Same applies with yourself.

I definitely agree that changing your environment or the people around you can be very powerful, and often easier than deep internal change. I think that changing yourself is not the same as trying to "change" your manager though. You can't change others, you can influence them, but you can change yourself. In fact you are constantly changing - it's just a matter of whether you're changing by your own intention or by outside influence.

"...as you begin to understand the fixed and growth mindsets, you will see exactly how one thing leads to another— how a belief that your qualities are carved in stone leads to a host of thoughts and actions, and how a belief that your qualities can be cultivated leads to a host of different thoughts and actions, taking you down an entirely different road." Carol Dweck - Mindset

> You can't change others, you can influence them

This is the error. Trying to change yourself is like trying to change your manager. All you can do is influence yourself, and you know this. You talk to yourself but you don't listen. Hence you struggle. We all do.

That's because there are two you's within you. One that listens and speaks, and the other that wants to feel acknowledged and valued and changed. The latter is your ego. You are not your ego. You are the one that listens and speaks. You are the one that influences and feeds your ego. But you are not your ego.

The moment you externalize your ego, it becomes just another problem you can solve, because we are great at solving external problems.

> often easier than deep internal change

Ya, so just forget about this deep part. It will solve itself if you get on with your life.

Even you make this distinction between knowledge and skills and this deeper thing. Skills and knowledge and philosophy can all be thought of as external. Deliberatly internal change is always a deadend. Most of the time it's just your ego thanking you for feeding it.

> Can you learn to use more positive self-talk (CBT)? Can you learn to get better at pausing between feeling an emotion and responding to that emotion to exercise self-regulation?

Words with self- feed the ego. Instead, simply say: Think more positively. Take a moment before you act.

If you self-ragulate, and fail to regulate, you're left wondering about self. If you fail to take a moment before you act, you're left just wondering why you failed to take a moment before you acted.

The difference may be subtle but it's precisely how you avoid an existential crisis.

Can you please elaborate on that "precisely ho you avoid an existential crisis"?

You can pickout from someone's words how embedded in "self" they are. The west has nurtured a selfish society; one that isn't just greedy, but that is obsessed with "self". We call it individualism, but also express the doctorine through all the words with the self- prefix, where self-actualization may be the most grandiose.

But when we embody our "self" we embody our ego. When your ego is fulfilled you are fulfilled. When your ego is hurt you are hurt. When your ego is actualized you are actualized. And we become obsessed with self-this and self-that, with everything pointing inward. But this is your ego taking hold of you. You have no control. You end up trying to pursuade yourself to no avail.

Except, there really is nothing inward. So as much as your ego is "there" you can never get to it or "fix" it. The ego itself is void.

So when you begin to believe that when all else fails, there has to be something wrong with your "self" or that "you must change" or that the solution is "deep within you", you get sucked into that black hole and you implode. You may turn to drugs to feel better, but you're still stuck with your problem, which is you, in your head.

But the moment you externalize your ego and embody your ego-less self, you gain freedom from self, and the freedom you need to begin solving your external problems, of which your ego just becomes one of them.

When you tell yourself "I am hungry" who is listening?

When you tell yourself "I should go eat" who is speaking?

It takes at least two to have a conversation.

The needy one is your ego. The other one is you.

When people say "pat yourself on your back", they mean pat your ego. And it feels good to the extent that your ego gets the attention it craves. The one doing that patting is you. If you called this self-patting, now you have the template.

Self-motivation is you trying to motivate your ego. Forget it. Remove your ego and ask yourself why you can't do something. You're probably tired, unamused, or just don't believe in it.

Self-help is you trying to help your ego. Forget it. Remove your ego and just go ask for help if you need it.

Etc, etc.

Your ego is still there. He'll be there waiting and occasionally bugging you. But to be in control you cannot be him. And there is no changing you through him because there is no changing him because there are no parts to him.

All the parts are with you. Like body parts, we have mental parts. We also have moods and states. He is just one of the many parts that makeup what others and you may perceive as you. But none of them are you; the one that lifts the hand to pat your ego on the back. That is the control you have.

Few questions:

1. “The ego itself is void” - how void can feel something, be frustrated etc?

If it’s not there - who is suffering, experiencing problems?

2. Who is “I” if not the sum of all parts working together?

Take out all the parts including ego - will be there anyone to “fix external problems”?

In other words how can we know (verify or at least feel) that your model isn’t just a play of words, while objectively exissting and experienced feelings, issues, dissatisfactions are still there?

Or what difference does it make - how we split the cake and how we call our different parts?

It's void in the sense that it's a black hole and a black box. You feed it, and it all disappears into a void. Your ego will then ask you to do things to feed it more, but nothing good comes of this. You are simply ego-driven. And in an ego-embodying state, when your ego fails, you fail. Crisis. This crisis is the worst when you cause it. When you realize your ego is an idiot, but still equate it with you, "you" becomes a paradox.

> 2. Who is “I” if not the sum of all parts working together?

Right. But you're your hand, but your hand is external to the one doing the feeling, thinking, and controlling. You can exist without it. Repeat for every part. Headaches may be the most telling. Literally, your head is hurting. Yet, we swallow a pill and get on with our lives.

Once you strip everything away, you're left with an observer that can feel and talk and decide. A stripped consciousness. At this level we may truly all be the same. It is at this level that we must connect.

Of course, ego-embodying people connect with their egos. This explains most of the people I've met in the last 20 years through work in Los Angeles. Once you're not an ego booster to them, the relationship is over. But they all use ego-boosting to make relationships and sustain them. They believe that's how they'll make it, when all it is is their ego thirsty for attention and money.

Well, the one doing the ego-boosting, the one deciding to do it, and the one okay with it, is the selfless you that can do, decide, and not be okay with the opposite.

> that your model isn’t just a play of words

It's all words. Or at least, every version of the world exposes itself as (a play of) words.

When I see someone reasoning with self- words, I see them playing with fire, and I can easily fix their expressions to be less egocentric. Usually it makes them feel better too. It's semantic surgery and semantic therapy. You hear a pessimist and if you're an optimist, you know right away how unnecessary some of their framing of the world can be. It's all in our words.

> what difference does it make - how we split the cake and how we call our different parts

We can split it however we see fit, but it makes all the difference. If you identify with your ego, you'll live one way. If you identify your ego as a needy pesky pet that lives in your mind that requires occassional feeding, you'll live another way.

The ego serves a purpose. It can make you feel really really good. It's tenticales stretch into our nervous system. It rewards us for our successes and punishes us for our failures. Or at least tries to. Kids are all one with their egos. It's with maturity that we learn detachement and transcendence. That's when we stop taking everything so personally and decide it's not okay to let our ego do the driving. But when you have the entire western culture obsessed with individualism, too many of us have become intellectually engrossed in ego-driven self-worship. We then attach our egos to group identities and go to war with them. To facebook and twitter.

And that needs to be called out for exactly what it is: Immature.

And what in your opinion would be the practical outcome from all this to overcome some case of career related type of middle age crisis?

What the #1 specific thing youd recommend topicstarter to do to be 1step closer to disconnecting with ego?

Your selfless self is the one that does the experiencing, and the decision making. And that's all you really need at this point, especially when you're older.

So decide what you wish to experience next, and decide to experience it. That's it!

Strip everything away and let go by taking everything you've been framing as internal and reframing it as external. It's a huge moving out party. Throw that sofa out on the lawn. Empty your apartment so you can identify everything people threw in there, and what it is you actually miss.

You might have to quit your job, get a divorce, or disown your father to get there. But you can't give anyone a second chance unless you accept they've stolen from you once. This includes your ego.

But this cannot include your selfless self because it cannot take from you. It only takes on behalf of the needy to serve them and waits for new requests.

Your head will tell you if it aches. Your body will tell you it's tired. Your ego will tell you if it has issues with the other egos in the room. So take asprin, get some good sleep, and rethink your relationships.

These are not problems. They're just tasks. Some are harder to solve than others, but you have a brain, and google and books where every solution has been shared at least once. And it's always your selfless self that goes to work and does everything for you. Your ego never solved anything.

So once you've emptied your cup and are in a good mood, ask for your next experience. Make a wish. And go do it treating it as the most important event in the world because it is. It's your truth.

At which point, what do you need your ego for?

If it's what got you here, then it's job is done.

And you may even wish to experience giving someone a second chance.

> Not in your control, and can't change

but end with

> you will feel better. You will change

fwiw, it sounds like you landed on agreeing.

You should notice by the end that the two you's are different, and they are two distinctly different ways of modeling the world.

The deeper question is, what is change? And, what are you?

The first "you" is ego-centric. It's "what's wrong with me me me, I can change me me me". But that would never lead to the solution which is simply to remove "me" from the problem and just listing all the problems in your life. You wouldn't describe that as "you are in control, you can change". You would't seek self-help or self-motivation or self-worth. You would simply describe that as "I solved my problems, maybe I can help you with yours".

You don't have to change, because you are not your problems. This self-this self-that thinking is a deadend. That's the point.

"I must change" is the goal most start with. Changing everything else in your life is how you arrive at achieving it. "I" never had to change. "I" self adjusts as the result of everything near it. But "I" has power over everything near it.

That's the paradox of the selfless sovereign individual. In contrast, the selfish sovereign individual makes the most sense to most people in western society, which accounts for where we are.

3 good things: (1) your biggest problem is yourself (which means it’s in your control, possible to change),"

It's possible their insecure feeling is legitimate. How many managers really have their employee's back, like to the point they are willing to lose their job to protect them?

So my goal is to retire ASAP because I know retirement is the life I'll thrive under. You should aim for that in the long term and in the short term, find a new job. FAANG companies have horrible work cultures. There are plenty of software jobs that are laid back and easy-going, and finding a new job is also a chance at a better manager.

Please tell me where I can find one of these. I've never seen it. Every place wants you to work extra hours and squeeze as much as they can out of you.

But that is not all, if you manage your management and your teammates right, you can create a good WLB anywhere. Here are a few pointers:

1. Slowdown!!!

You would think you are impressing your boss and teammates by getting it done fast but opposite is happening. They think they assigned you an easy task. At the same time, they will expect you to perform at the same speed going forward.

2. Don't ever send any email after 5pm. Never answer Slack messages when on lunch. Learn to reject meetings at odd times. Manager wants to have a meeting at 5PM, tell them you got plans. No need to explain what those plans are.

Once I met this guy, he would just say I have plans and nothing more. He never ever had to work on weekends, or after 5pm. One time, in a meeting, our manager asked each of us which Saturdays in upcoming quarter are good for working. Everyone volunteered a few Saturdays. When this guy's turn came, he simply said he got plans. The manager's mouth dropped, he asked every single Saturday of next 12 weeks, this guy replied just yes. The manager was so red, it was amazing. Since then I have learned to say I got plans.

3. Don't kill yourself over on-call. The management makes it seems like that if production breaks, then we should drop everything and fix production. No don't fall for it. Oncall makes sense for doctors where people will literally die. But most of IT infrastructure is not that crucial. Even if it is, it is on management to allocate enough resources to build a resilient infrastructure. If they cannot do that, then your personal life comes first.

I learned from my older co-workers who would take hours to fix some small quick jobs after hours. If they got an alert that something is broken, they will finish what they were doing, dinner, playing with kids, out shopping, etc. Sometimes they waited long enough for page to escalate to their manager before starting work. And if it was something that breaks all the time but management was not allocating time to fix it, they would drag it forever until boss's boss is getting paged. Things would get fixed pretty quickly when CTO had to wake up in the middle of night.

4. Don't let anyone in your team get abused. A lot of young programmers and passive people get abused in our industry, they are afraid to say no, work long hours, and sometimes even think that it is normal. The problem is that the management will start getting braver and abusing more people. So if you see your teammate getting abused, find out what's going on. Teach them how to deal with the management abuse. But there are certain people who actually enjoy working all the time. If that's the case then explain to them how their actions are actually encouraging bad behavior from the management. Tell them they should be working on personal projects after work. This may not work always, but that is why I avoid joining a team with too many young people.

These ranking are so easy to game. My wife worked at a small recruiting company in Dallas. This company always made it to the lists of best companies to work for in DFW, whether if it was D Magazine, Dallas Observer, or some online poll, this company was always was there.

The way these lists work is that a company submits an application to be included in the list. Not sure if application is free or not, but if application is accepted, the list maker would let the company know when they will email the survey link. My wife's company will always host a huge happy hour party the day before the survey email is supposed to go out. Some people who seems disgruntled will get a free day off. And some people will never get survey link at all. On the day of survey, there will be nice lunch brought in. And finally the owner will make sure that everyone fills out survey same day by scheduling a company wide meeting. During that meeting everyone is supposed fill out their survey while owner and managers are walking around the cubes. Oh and they would give speeches like how hard it is to recruit top talent and how working at one of the best place to work for will look good on their resumes.

And yes some employees are still checking their spam folders for the email link while owner and managers pretend they are troubleshooting.

As for that company, it wasn't bad for work life balance, it was just that the 40 years old owner was a party animal who wanted to party with 20 years old. He would favor people who partied with him at happy hours or went clubbing with him. It was nowhere near the best places to work for in the DFW. Benefits were horrible and if you were not young party animal, it wasn't a good place to be.

This reminds me of a quote about how MIT has a way of turning physicists into lawyers. What it means is that people who started school trying to be physicists, got overwhelmed with competition at MIT and end up reverting to law school after graduation because their confidence in physics was diminished. Where if they went to a regular school, their skills (and confidence) would have grown.

If you can't 'hack' physics (I correlate this with very high IQ, stoic commitment to research) it doesn't mean you'd hack medicine (Which needs decent IQ, amazing memory/recall and very good interpersonal and communication skills, and ability to handle stress, blood and dead bodies).

Today, there's no such thing as medicine-as-a-fallback. If you aren't solidly and deliberately premed for several years, building relationships with people who can write strong LORs, doing and documenting volunteering hours, and getting everything else in order, you don't stand a chance at admission to a competitive school.

> I have high and low phases

> I have been anxious/ depressed for around a decade

> There are phases where I work with high motivation but it fades easily

I have bipolar disorder so the above sentences caught my attention. The thing about bipolar is that it is hard to diagnose. I wasted 10's of thousands of dollars on in appropriate therapies like SSRI's and Ativan and just general talk therapy. The low phases often masquerade as anxiety depression and the high phases can look like borderline personality disorder or even schizophrenia.

Also, drug and alcohol abuse can make it impossible to get a correct diagnosis.

I got my life back and became productive once I was properly diagnosed and given a med that worked for me (Quetiapine) I also quit alcohol and drugs (except moderate amount of coffee)

I recommend seeing a psychiatrist and relating your moods and activities honestly and completely and see if bipolar rings true.

I had a manic episode after a vacation (turns out that messing up your sleep schedule from jet lag can trigger them) and finally decided to get help. Lamictal was a night and day difference for me. Wish I'd figured it out sooner but it's hard to recognize when you mostly just see the anxiety and depression.

Sounds like we've gone through some similar experience of pulling out of a spiral.

My therapist told me I should back off on caffeine but I don't want to. Haha

And I find it interesting we had the same reaction re: alcohol and drugs.

For me, during the low periods I become apathetic and overall have very little energy. My mood is actually pretty consistent now that I’m medicated (lamotrigine). My high phases are more hypomanic which is actually super productive if I can manage the anxiety that usually accompanies it.

At this point, my energy levels are a better indicator of where I am in my cycle than my mood. The drugs generally even that out.

Also, you work at a FAANG, for any reasonable definition of success, you've made it. You wouldn't be where you are if you weren't good at what you do and vetted by lots of people. Can you get better? Have you done mistakes? Probably, but that doesn't mean you're bad.

Somebody here need to hear this:

You really REALLY need an identity outside of work. Having "made it" because you work at company X, your boss likes you, you got an award - these things are VERY empty and will contribute to depression.

Consider augmenting your life with some of the following: relationships (perhaps with God), hobbies, volunteer work, exercise

For many people, it's the target for their professional career to get hired by FAANG (though it seems HN strongly dislikes that view).

Is it? I've never heard that about Amazon, for instance. At Google or Facebook or whatever sure but the fact that they're using the acronym and not the company implies Amazon to me.

If your company finds out that you hate it and want to quit, you will likely find your head is about to roll. I had a close call with this once. Then I learned that the company doesn't really want people to be honest and candid, that's it's just one of the traps they put in their policies.

This was the primary reason I got checked out for ADHD. Turns out I have ADHD.

Might be worth asking a doc for a checkup. I am not diagnosing, just suggesting to rule it out.

Before jumping to meds, you guys must check yourselves if you're eating the right kinds of food and exercising consistently. That two alone increases your physical and mental stamina.

Those adhd meds are easy to fuck up with (especially if you're someone who lacks self control and discipline already). I'm writing this out as someone who was prescribed those adhd meds before.

Edit: but yea feel free to go to doc to rule it out lol.

At the end of the day, veggies meat and exercise = good mood and mental clarity. It's lindy as hell, too.

    Psychiatrists don't just throw stimulants after you

To be fair, he prescribed adderall last, after we tried some more mild ones. He didn't just throw the hard stuff at me immediately.

But, he absolutely did not discuss all the other means of managing ADHD: proper sleep, diet, exercise, supportive environment, etc. In my experience I find these even more important than medication.

A lot of psychiatrists are pretty old school (predating the explosion in ADHD diagnosis/awareness) and/or are generalists within the field of psychiatry and therefore aren't really experts at any particular malady like ADHD.

To be fair to psychiatrists, a lot of "generally accepted" ADHD management techniques are not officially recognized. For example, dietary modification is specifically not recommended due to lack of supporting evidence even though many (including me) find it very important. So, I can understand why my psych didn't discuss it with me, even though that was a real missed opportunity.

I am not anti-psychiatry, but IMHO I don't expect much from them except drug-related solutions.

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Attention_deficit_hyperactivit...

I'm passionate about getting proper sleep because it makes a big difference in my performance. I've also seen a big difference in diet. I've noticed a difference when I reduce sodium intake (lunch meats, boxed mac-and-cheese).

I can't put my finger on how to consistently reduce the ADHD symptoms - I try a variety of things.

Let me clarify: Go to a doctor, OP. Tell them your symptoms.

The parent is referring to trying something that has been used for centuries before trying something that has been used for years.

Maybe Charles Lindbergh used diet and exercise to improve focus?

Another suggestion would be to stop placing so much importance on your job. Find other hobbies. Most people work to make a money, bonus points if you find it to be your passion but I don't think that's the norm. Accept that there will be days where you're just going through the motions.

A good therapist can help you figure this out, and give you better coping strategies.

It took me years to figure it out but I struggled to be consistently productive because of a mix of untreated insomnia, adhd and bipolar 2. What made the difference for me was really analyzing my symptoms, seeking out goal/skills-oriented therapist (a PsyD not a MFT), and not giving up after the first psych med or two didn't work.

I've seen people who really lack the awareness to know that they're underperforming, or the willpower to try to fix it and get help. Thankfully you don't seem to be one of those people.

Also, I'm going to echo everyone and say that you should probably get screened for ADHD. With ADHD it's very common for an inability to focus -> frustration that you can't get things done as fast as you should be -> depression/anxiety.

> There are phases where I work with high motivation but it fades easily. I have found I work on my side things with interest but I am not a completer. I complete around 80% of things and then leave them.

Probably describes most of HN so don't feel too bad about that haha.

I'm worried that if I go to any sort of medical professional they will succumb to "if the only tool you have is a hammer, to treat everything as if it were a nail" and I will end up on some sort of meds that I don't need.

I just have this impression that 80% of people could walk into any psychiatrist's office, describe their experiences, and walk out with a prescription or three.

I'd like it if someone could convince me that these are not legitimate concerns.

Remember that you always have the option to not follow a treatment plan if you don’t feel like it’s the right thing for you. A recommendation from a physician isn’t an order from a judge that you must follow.

If the doctor you visit is good at their job, it should feel like a conversation about solving a problem. They should be able to offer a clear explanation on why they think their recommendation is the way to go and involve you in the decision-making process. Many people are reluctant to be medicated, so you probably won’t be the first patient they’ve seen just that day with that issue, and they’ll have some options for you in that regard too.

I used to have a concern about drug dependency so I feel like I might understand why you feel that way, but consider this: If you take a medication and it doesn’t improve anything, you’re not really dependent on it. If you take a medication and it makes things better, then things are better, which was the whole point of taking it in the first place!

Would it be better for your body to function well by itself? Of course. Would it feel better if we had a clearer understanding of psychiatric disorders and how to solve them precisely? Definitely, but medical science just isn’t there today, and at least there are some options that work for some people, even if we don’t understand why.

There are a huge range of services available within the "theory" umbrella, some of which have 0% chance of involving medication. This may not be what you need, but it's a safe baseline. As another commentator stated ... don't think about theory, start doing it! In particular, talk therapy is a safe, often very effective, way of getting started.

Personally, it was instrumental to me to make some serious shifts in how I related to people and it took ~4 solid years of weekly sessions. A major component of this was having the space to take fears and anxiety seriously with the support of someone who didn't have (or really try to give) the answers, but was sufficiently anchored in life to provide a trusted second perspective.

Over time this let me identify some fears as wildly misplaced, some as valid but no longer applicable, and others as important enough to get a fire lit underneath me and do something about them. The resulting emotional freedom was life changing. Definitely I'm still a bit neurotic, but vastly more able to negotiate relationships, kindle curiosity into new hobbies (gardening and singing in particular, which I mostly never saw coming), and stay stable enough to grow in my career path.

Best of luck, friend!

If you're worried about unnecessary medications (the majority of which won't make you dependent or have long-term side effects), you can always start with a good therapist (I recommended a PhD or PsyD). But for some people, they're struggling enough and miserable enough that it makes sense to try psych meds early and see what helps.

They are legitimate concerns. Just don't use them as an excuse to not get started. You don't need to hit it out of the park with the first therapist. Hell you may go through a dozen before you connect with one that is more helpful than not.

The key is to get started, and then do something else if the path you started isn't leading anywhere. Iterate.

You can't iterate if you never start ;)

It's not a magic solution, but considering you work at a FAANG you have sufficient $$$/insurance to pursue therapy/coaching.

Don't misunderstand. Just finding a good therapist/coach is work. You will probably have to "try" a few and they're not cheap. And then once you find a good fit the real work begins.

But, it can be a great investment. Think about it this way. Sounds like you are in your 20s or 30s. You have potentially 30+ years of employment left at $150K+ per year. That is potentially 4 or 5 million dollars, maybe more. So, when considering the costs of coaching/therapy, weigh it against this amount.

Remember that million-dollar athletes and even college and high school athletes have all kinds of coaches to help them perform. Why should YOU not deserve it?

(Side note: why don't companies invest in coaching for their expensive engineers? Considering the high cost of recruiting and retaining engineers, this seems like it would be a great competitive advantage...)

Whether you try coaching, therapy, or some other completely different route I wish you luck. Please know that you are not alone.

> why don't companies invest in coaching for their expensive engineers?

This is what makes a great manager, on the work side of things. Someone who sees the potential in other people and has the ability to unlock it, and doesn't settle for simply managing time and tasks. But for clarification, do you mean a third-party that can also help coach things like work-life balance? Because I could see a lot of value in that. I'm wondering now if I should find one for myself...

    Someone who sees the potential in other 
    people and has the ability to unlock it,
    and doesn't settle for simply managing time 
    and tasks. But for clarification, do you mean 
    a third-party that can also help coach things 
    like work-life balance? 

I know a lot of therapists who specialize in ADHD refer to themselves as coaches. Because ADHD isn't really "cured"; it's just sort of managed and it seems to pair pretty well with having a third party coach. I'm not sure if this is common with other behavioral health issues.

The best managers do some level of this and really can bring the best out of individuals. But finding a manager who can run a department, interface with the rest of the business, and function as something of an individual coach... that's some real unicorn territory. Finding one is great but their rarity means we should probably never count on having one around.

It's almost like finding somebody who's good at MMA, plays the violin, and is a decent watercolor artist. It is obviously possible but they're such disparate skills.

(side note: executive coaching definitely is a thing. It is not uncommon for people/companies to invest in this sort of thing.)

Edit: It's worth it always regardless of money I should say. But if you have the means, you definitely should.

Please don't plan on starting therapy, get it started now! Also, get a full physical from your doctor - there could be underlying medical issues causing these problems. Seriously, I've known people with these kinds of issues and a combination of medical therapy (they had a vitamin D deficiency and their brain chemicals weren't in the right balance) and therapy completely turned their life around. It wasn't easy though, especially at the outset. If the problem is you have brain chemicals out of whack I'd love to tell you that they'd be able to easily fix it but they can't. What they're going to do is try different things and see what works. It can be frustrating and you may think your doctors are idiots during this process - but realize that's today's state-of-the-art.

Remember, you're worth the effort to get to the bottom of this and get it turned around. Get the help you need and good luck!

When you recognize a strong feeling within yourself, you can work with it to find a balance in the following way.

Find the 'negative' emotion. Now enter a meditative state. Call up the emotion into your awareness - use imagery, imagination, sensing, whatever helps. Once you have a hold on the emotion, amplify it - seek to feel it in your entire being. Whether its sadness, fear, not being appreciated - amplify the feeling until it fills every cell of your body. Do this for a few seconds only, until it feels like the feeling begins to change or subside. (It can take as few as 3 or 5 seconds, or much longer, depending). The goal is to feel the feeling as intensely as you can (without hurting yourself!). Doing this will shift it!

Then, seek to find the opposite feeling. Ask yourself, what is the opposite feeling? Feeling grateful for your job? What does that feel like? Imagine yourself feeling this feeling. Imagine a world-scenario that would trigger this feeling. Visualize yourself in a situation which triggers this opposite feeling. Then, amplify that feeling, and feel it in every cell of your body, for a few seconds.

This will completely shift your experience of the emotion and your viewpoint on the relevant issue/topic/area/domain in which the emotion is being triggered. It's a very effective technique.

Wishing you good things.

Life is too precious not to live it, not to explore what could be, esp when current path becomes unbearable.

But I am a 26 year old sales guy, who is in a similar boat (I wouldn't say I am depressed but have this deep intense feeling of "something is missing" I need to do more. I think I have had a mixed career, My first job I was PIP'd and I voluntarily left soon after. My second job I was the company's number 1 salesperson (Out of 60) and made a ton of money, I again soon left after- because "Something" was missing. My third job was so-so at best and again I felt something... On my 4th Job now, doing great by all respects, and yet I am interviewing for another job (Scratching my head on why).... The only rational explanation I have found is I love change... if you have savings and a good relationship with family/GF, I think a good idea might be to take some time off and spend sometime away from it all to think about what "really matters" and then come back and find your next path...

You could also accept that Faangs are full of slackers and coasters--stop tying your self-esteem to your work or your boss (who is actually your adversary, squeezing as much work from you for the lowest price). Do enough to be of interest to other teams there, have a few references and savings and just assume you will be let go, and focus on improving your life and your next opportunity.

Now that that's out of the way, I did think about it a lot in recent years, and I came to the conclusion things become unbearable when too many things are off at the same time. When I was younger the work was on its own motivating enough, but this is no longer the case because I don't do anything really interesting. Now when I come to work already unhappy, and on top of that know the only way to solve a problem is to dig through crappy code for three days, it becomes the straw that broke the camel's back.

Things I work on and try to advise my kids, even though it's hard for me is: don't worry too much and just do it (whatever it is). We get better insights into things when we do them, so we get better. I don't really have an inferiority complex, but I did waste a lot of time in the past polishing things because I was worried what people might think. I wanted it to be great! But this doesn't work because it takes too much time, and somebody will always find a reason to criticize because it's not how they would do it. So it's like a double nothing. I also notice this is quite prevalent in this "industry" (although it's quite a wide spectrum, I am no way near a FAANG). It's made worse by a lot of people who suffer abuse (being looked down upon etc) and then solve it by abusing other people in similar ways. There are a lot of people who are arrogant and scared at the same time.

Lastly, in my case at least, I'm just not really that interested in the job anymore, above all not the grind. But it's a respected and well paid profession, so it's difficult to let go. It also became kind of a part of my identity, so if I walk away, what is left of me?

I suggest finding a Psychologist and trying some therapy (CBT/DBT). If your already on anxiety medications, I'd be careful taking those. You should only take them when your anxiety is at the very highest in low doses. Benzos are often over-prescribed and can be abused and can lead to physical dependence. A Psychiatrist will try prescribing all sorts of medications if they diagnose you with depression or ADHD, and you should be skeptical. You can also try (with therapy) other more non-invasive treatments like getting good exercise (cardio), sunlight (vitamin-D). There are other things that are more experimental too like TMS, Ketamine, etc.

Sleep and diet hygiene (in addition to exercise) are always important.

After years of treatment-resistant depression and being prescribed all sorts of medications (SSRIs, even a low-dose anti-psychotic at one point), I did a bout round of TMS and it really helped me.

First thing I’d suggest if all three have been FAANG is to try a different type of company. There are plenty of other industries that need tech staff - think banks, consultancies, consumer goods, insurance, retail. Almost any type of company these days.

Try to find a good culture (as difficult as that is through the interview process!), a good manager, and build your confidence back.

Often friends and contacts that have worked somewhere are the best way to find out if a company culture is good. Take “Top places to work” surveys with a grain of salt.

Good luck!

There have been many discussions here recently about taking time off to rediscover your passion or just plain satisfaction. Going back over the decade, there were discussions here around people switching careers entirely (wood working, ski pro, ...)

If so, I get it, that's my tendency as well. The only method I found was to take breaks and think about it in a dissociative state, then I also try to live with boredom. I don't see boredom or frustration as enemies, they are like an itch I can't give in to, because scratching a bug bite makes it even itchier.

To practically improve this way, meditation gave me that extra dose of willpower to last through boredom. meditation simply teaches you to passively observe, it keeps your emotions in check, if you practice enough.

No, it's not necessarily the last. Just that 20% of the work in total will take approximately 80% of the time. Tasks/projects aren't "sorted".

I would just stay until you get fired. You're aren't going to get paid more somewhere else, right? Maybe start looking into FIRE. That way you can quit sooner, or get to a point where you don't care if you're fired.

On a side note, how did you get almost PIP'd and then fired and still get hired by FAANG? I feel like if I get fired from my job that I won't be able to find another one unless I take an entry level position for even less pay.

I think a therapist/meds or even a coach could provide the best help for you. A therapist should be the ones to diagnose you, but this _ might_ be an attention disorder like ADD. I know really smart people that suffer from this, and I see in them a lot of starting new/interesting things with manic energy and not finishing. However it could also be a sign of other mental health issues, so definitely consult a professional.

It's important to ensure your mind/body feel there is light at the end of the tunnel, not just at the macro but micro (days, weeks) level too.

high five buddy!

Don't focus to get more work on your head. Try to find a spot in the team where dependency on you will be less. Don't stress yourself.

It will be hard, sleepless nights, panic attack in the morning If I wake up early, what I do, I oversleep and work in drowsiness. And then I open outlook, teams, meetings, panic attack starts. A clear head becomes a turbulent head and doesn't know what he is talking about.

I know I'm above average, you are also above average. It's mostly people that disturbs the mind.

What worked for me in the past - I wanted to get my life under my control. Moved nearby my office, setup a good routine, removed distractions, got into fitness, veggies, fruits, threw away mobile, I touch computer only at work. I stopped speaking or letting anyone to waste my time at office. I became a loner, but I was focussed. I got better, started a side project, never overdid anything and practiced meditation. My only goal was to keep mind occupied and do not loose thoughts.

It worked pretty well. And everyday routine was boosting my energy levels up and up. but one day It got ruined. Family and relatives missed me so I started spending and sacrificing my interests for them. Mind went back to same old same old dancing head phones.

I still miss and in fact I'm living in past and in my present reality I know for sure I'm really not present. I really have no clue how I'm even surviving work / life but I need to earn to provide for my mom and my sister. That's the only reason I have. But even that I'll forget.

The only reason I spoke this much is that, I feel the same. I was good in my school, I liked math and science. College was a new world. It started fine but something went upside down. Then I was excited about work, for first 3-4 years it was exciting and fun, then interests and motivation went down. Throughout my life I used to find reasons why I have memory loss, why I cant pay any attention, trying to find out answers or cures, and most of the time I'll be lost in a cooked up reality believing in some non-sense that keeps me happy at that moment but serves no purpose to survive in the world. Recently I have started thinking that's how the world is. Friends moved on,

I get - loosely - what you are saying. I loosely applaud your sentiment. But at the same time I am somewhat gobsmacked by how glib it is. I worked in the restaurant trade. I have many friends who still do. It is tough, it is graft, you will feel under appreciated and it requires a lot of money and talent and great people to make it work.

So yes: open a restaurant. If you’ve not worked in the restaurant trade it’s a great way to feel awful and lose a lot of money quickly.

Equally, open a book store. Or a blacksmith’s. Or a tailor. Or dog sitter. Or a hedge fund. Or a niche thermoplastics engineering consultancy.

All of these things could fulfil you more, and you’ll hire a bunch of people who do the bulk of the work apart from the bit that matters.

But equally they could make everything worse.

Your TC will be cut in half (or worse), but your base might not suffer as much as you think, as long as you negotiate well.

If you find that you can't stand the low expectations and slow pace, you can always go back to tech. But it might help to spend a few years in a low-performance environment and find meaning outside of work.

Consider leaving FAANG behind. It may not be you, it could be them. If you want to stay in tech there are other companies that would salivate over your resume. Also, expectations could be lower performance-wise.

Try new things. I know it sounds simple, but doing the same thing over and over is not likely to help if things are not going well.

Does FAANG do something like this? I've seen smaller companies offer mental health support and I hear Google would promote meditation. The stress level in FAANG has to be pretty high, with most of it self-inflicted.

1. Strength training with dumb bells/machines. If you can't go to the gym, buy the dumbbells and do squats, etc.. Form is important.

2. If you're male, go on nofap. You may not believe it but go on nofap for a month and you will see the difference. If it works for you, do it permanently.

3. 8 hours of sleep.

These should automatically improve your focus/motivation and solve depression/anxiety.

1. Shuffling around credit between people and projects

2. "Getting by" enough to not be fired

3. Studying something of interest through the work

At competitive companies it's a lot of the first - everyone's looking for a way to take credit, which means there's a lot of performance anxiety and destructive power plays. Companies that are "coasting" see more of the second type, and this is roughly where you are in terms of mindset. It may be a dead end, but you will get paid for a while; of course this clashes if you are in a competitive team. But if the job involves an implict need to absorb stress or physical exertion, it can feel like plenty enough to get by.

But it's the third that is the only one that has some innate sense of contentment, and is always tied to those "dream jobs" and "dream projects" people seem to have, and the kind of drive that motivates high achieviment and immense technical ability. In a lot of cases it has to come from within; teams lacking leadership in this respect fall into coasting or bickering behavior, and society as a whole defaults to total indifference. So it can easily happen that you feel a purpose for a few years, then fall down for a while, then rediscover yourself. But you have to continuously have that purpose in mind to not get overly swept up in events.

It's almost certainly the case that you have something you want to study more deeply, and if you set yourself up to go down that path you would start to excel within months without feeling difficulty. But knowing it means knowing yourself and doing some deconstruction of the path you've followed so far. School-to-FAANG is a kind of life script, and all life scripts have a lack of "happily ever after" closure to them.

How do you do that deconstruction? There's no definite way, but it's a question that guides a lot of philosophy around virtue ethics and self development. So one way to go about this would be to get philosophical for a while, take a class, read some classics. Another is simply to push yourself a little to get out of your comfort zones and try out things you think you will struggle with. One of my favorite methods is simply to draw on the energy of high achievers in various fields and their biographies, interviews, etc. Live streams, by being so encompassing for long periods, can reveal a lot of underlying drive, attitude, etc. So I will often turn to gaming streams to see some of that.

Play more and work less to get your juices flowing again. Also, read about what people are working on, eventually someone will trigger you into passion mode.

At least they should dip their toes in and try a B/C/D stage startup. I just think you get more useful info faster when you make a bigger change

I guess your first step is to get this sorted with specialists.

There is no point in asking what to do with your job when you don´t feel like working at all.

1 month ago discussion:

Advices for Burnout and Depression

https://news.ycombinator.com/item?id=27226918

1) Definitely consider meds. They are not a true answer in a sense but they help you get back to homeostasis so you can rebuild yourself. Current regiment for me is Welbutrin 300mg (mood stabilizer, anxiety), Adderal 15mg XR (ADHD), Lamotrigine (bipolar).

2) Therapy is a recent change for me but I am finding it helpful. With my type A personality, I've decided that a cognitive behavioral therapist made sense to me as its more action oriented than just talking w/ someone. We setup tangible todos, monitor week to week, and spend time talking. One interesting thing in particular is working on coping methods on issues that don't have an immediate solution. Where I place my energy effectively makes a big difference.

3) As a manager, I have to say that a poor relationship w/ a manager is draining to say the least. A friend at Netflix recently made a major shift from a UI team to API over this. Have you looked into making a move internally or considered leaving? Being at FAANG, you have high potential to make a move at least horizontally.

4) It's helpful to identify triggers that give you feelings of depression or other bad feelings. It could be as simple as staying away from caffeine or lowering interactions with a particular person. Like your manager.

5) Easier said than done but this isn't an uncommon feeling for many. You're surrounded by talented people so imposter syndrome is not uncommon. I will bet 100% that you are better than you may realize.

6a) This one used to hurt to admit but not anymore. I am an average engineer at best. You start to realize later than it doesn't make as much of a difference as you'd think. Can you solve problems? Can you get to the finish line on your work and deliver consistently? Are you surrounded by people who can support you in growth? Your solutions don't have to be perfect as long as the support system and processes are there to create bumpers around you. Maybe you want to get to staff engineer but that is a decision and path you have to figure out. If you truly want to go deep, you're going to have to practice and grow. There is so many other options outside of that though.

6b) It can be tough to get to the finish line. Personally I've found that I need to prioritize and get my TODO list down to the most essential and dedicate my time to nothing but one activity at a time. With the addition of ADHD I bounce around a lot and fall into the same issue. Try to force your time into one activity in spurts and don't move onto until you get to the end. (Spurts are important so you don't burn out as you're already working to get to completion and it has been difficult.)

7) Take a break! Go burn some PTO. Get away from the computer.

My takeaway is that your environment is where this is most definitely stemming from. I highly suggest looking at a move. Do it for yourself. You shouldn't have to feel like this. Hope this helps in some way. I wish you the all the best. It can get better.

ps Don't let the stigma of mental health issues drive you away from getting help. The industry needs to be so much better about this.